


Veritas est Virtus- Truth is Virtue

by Pandoras_hope



Category: Young Americans (TV)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternative Sexuality, Angst, Boarding School, Fluff, Fluid Sexuality, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Gender Issues, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Genderbending, Genderfluid Character, Genderqueer Character, Nonbinary Character, Other, Queer Themes, Romance, Slow Burn, Summer, Summer Love, Summer Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 18:04:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14266620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pandoras_hope/pseuds/Pandoras_hope
Summary: Hamilton Fleming meets Jake Pratt: a rule-breaker who challenges him to push his boundaries and live beyond the expectations of his parents and society in an elite boys boarding school.





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> The characters and some dialogue are property of the channel formerly known as The WB

Hamilton Fleming stood on the roof of Rawley Academy, camera in hand and watching all of the new students arrive on campus for summer session.  It was a tradition he had made for himself since his father had accepted the position of Dean of Students six years ago and had moved their family to the manor house behind the school.  The only difference this summer was that Hamilton, as an incoming sophomore, was now one of them. 

As he watched, he noticed a motorcycle heading up the back road toward the school.  Intrigued, he put his camera up to his eye and zoomed in for a closer look. The driver parked the bike in a secluded spot, looking around to see if anyone had noticed them.  After a moment, they took their helmet off and shook out their unruly, short brown hair. They stashed their helmet next to the bike, shouldered their backpack and pushed their way through the brush toward the front of the school.

Hamilton turned off his camera, put it back in its case, and rushed downstairs, determined to find the owner of the bike.

  
  


Jake Pratt tried to keep their breathing under control as they made their way to the registrar’s office of Rawley Academy.  They glanced furtively from side to side, trying to gauge if anyone was paying them any attention. So far so good, but this was only the first step.  They handed their registration forms to the clerk, positive that everyone in the room must be able to hear the pounding of their heart. But no one even gave them a second look.  Even so, it wasn’t until they had found their dorm room, slipped inside, and locked the door behind them that they were able to relax.

Jake looked down at the student ID they had been issued and breathed a sigh of relief.  There, printed in black and white next to the photo that had just been taken of them, were the words  _ Jake Pratt -veritas est virtus- Rawley Academy for Boys. _  Jake stared at the words, and then slowly a grin spread over their face.  They had made it.

  
  


By the time Hamilton reached the main floor of the school, there was no sign of the motorcyclist.  People were milling around all over the grounds, they could be anywhere. He didn’t even know if they were a student, although they had appeared to be around his age from what he could tell.  He decided instead to go get a better look at the bike himself. 

It was a beautiful machine, all black leather and chrome.  His parents would be furious if they found out, and all of a sudden he wanted one more than anything.  He strengthened his resolve to find the owner and ask them where they had gotten it.

  
  


The next day, classes began at Rawley.  Jake took care getting ready, wanting to look just right.  It was easier than expected: no makeup to carefully apply, no curling iron, no uncomfortable heels.  Just flip-flops, baggy sweatpants, and loose t-shirt with the Rawley insignia. A baseball cap to tame unruly hair was the finishing touch, and Jake was out the door still grinning.  For the first time ever, they felt like themselves.

The note on the door of the English room instructed them to meet out on the dock by the lake.  Strange place for English class, but Jake shrugged and jogged across the grounds, glad they had managed to leave on time this morning. They arrived to find most of the guys already there, laughing and rough-housing on the dock.  Jake hung back in the shade of a tree, looking for the teacher. This wasn’t how any of their other schools had conducted class, and it was a little disconcerting. The summer sun was stifling, and Jake was already sweating uncomfortably.  

They were about to sneak away and abandon this insane experiment when a stranger approached them.  They nodded a greeting, and piercing blue eyes met theirs appraisingly. Jake’s heart seized up, certain that this person would notice something...not right about them.  But the guy smiled, and joined Jake in the shade.

“Nice bike,”  he whispered, and Jake’s heart resumed beating at a frenetic pace.  How had it been discovered so quickly? “You know, students aren’t allowed to have motorcycles.” 

“Students aren’t allowed to do a lot of things,”  Jake retorted, feeling defensive. “Hasn’t stopped me yet.” 

“Yeah, well, you keep riding that hog around and I guarantee you someone here will.”  Blue eyes bored into them again. “Unless you have an ally,” he grinned. “Someone with connections high up, someone who might like to take a ride on that bike sometime…”

Jake nodded, relaxing a little.  This kid obviously wanted to do a little rule-breaking themselves and wasn’t going to turn them in just yet.  

“I’m like a Swiss vault,” he continued the entreaty.  “I can keep a secret.” 

He was looking at Jake with such a hopeful expression that they couldn’t help but soften a little.

“Can you?”  Jake wanted to trust him, but knew from experience that that was a dangerous thing to want.

“Afternoon, gentlemen!”  The teacher finally arrived and called the class to begin.

  
  


Hamilton joined the rest of the guys for English class, feeling elated that he had found the owner of the motorcycle so quickly.  It hadn’t been difficult at all, really. They were the only one wearing sweats and a cap in the ninety-degree sun, and he instantly recognized the unique combination of strong, distinct jawline and full lips that he had glimpsed under their helmet yesterday.  He was confident that he would be driving the bike himself in short order, and the prospect filled him with excitement. 

“The name’s Finn,”  the teacher went on.  “No ‘mister’ is necessary.”  And with that he walked right into the lake, fully clothed.  The boys erupted into laughter. Hamilton grinned, having seen this trick from afar every summer and feeling like he was in on an inside joke.   “What?” Finn asked them innocently. “It’s time to throw convention out the window,” He declared, “Get ready for the greatest summer of your lives!”

The laughter turned into raucous cheering, and Hamilton felt himself swept up in the moment as he raced the other guys to the boat tethered at the dock.  It was finally his turn.

  
  


Jake, being the lightest member of what was their English class-turned-rowing-team, was assigned the unfortunate position of coxswain.  Sure, it was better than killing their shoulders trying to row with the others, but it put them front and center, the very place they were constantly trying to avoid.  

Jake was concentrating on learning how to steer the M8 sweep racing boat, facing eight guys sitting single-file learning how to row, while speaking instructions to them into a headpiece microphone.  Meanwhile, Finn cruised along beside them in what looked like a motorized fishing boat, asking them questions. 

“Who was the greatest writer who ever lived?”  He called.

“Faulkner!”  Will Krudski immediately answered.  

“Interesting, but wrong!  The correct answer is William Shakespeare!  He is MY favorite. Remember, I am not just here to teach you how to be a kick-ass crew team, but to edify you about the superstars of literature.  Like Faulkner and Shakespeare, Hemingway and Steinbeck. Those guys had passion!”

Jake rolled their eyes.  Of course this class was going to be a misogynistic hero-worship romp.  Heaven forbid they open up any of the Brontes or even a Jane Austen. They decided to tune him out and concentrate on the team.  

“Hey Truman, you’re going into the water too early!”  Jake told one of the guys, but then realized it was futile when all of them stopped rowing to ogle a group of girls in bikinis hanging out on the nearby beach.  Jake sighed. This was going to be a long summer.

  
  


That night, Hamilton was bumming around the dorms, not ready to go home and just enjoying the fact that he was finally allowed to hang out here.  He was making his rounds, saying hi to everyone, when he passed an open door and glimpsed the motorcyclist sitting at their computer in their dorm room. 

“Hey,”  he said, stepping through the open door.

“Feel free to barge right in,”  Jake answered. Their voice had a low, husky quality that always managed to sound sarcastic.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I...you’re door…”  Hamilton stammered, feeling uncomfortable until he saw them grin.  He smiled back, relaxing. “So, you find a place to stash your bike?”

Jake snorted.  “After six schools, you get a handle on these things.”

“Parents move a lot?”

“Nope.”  Jake stared intently at the computer screen.

“Then why would you keep switching?”

Jake shrugged.  “Waiting for someone to notice.”

Hamilton’s eyes widened.  “They don’t know?”

“Nope,”  Jake said again, but this time their voice betrayed a hint of pride.  “I get inside my mom’s email account, send a letter as her, and her attorney wires the money wherever I say.”  They grinned. “The wonders of the digital age.”

“So that’s how you scammed a single room.”  Hamilton grinned back.

Jake scoffed.  “That one was easy.  You should see what I can do when I hack into your dad’s database.”

“You’re on.”

Still grinning, Hamilton made his way back home, wondering what it would be like to live a life in which his parents had no idea where he was or what he was doing.  It sounded like freedom.

  
  


As soon as Hamilton left, Jake closed and locked the door.  They shut their laptop and kicked their flip flops into the closet along with their shorts and T-shirt.  Last, they unzipped their chest binder and threw it onto the laundry pile. Jake flopped backward onto their bed, taking a deep breath and relishing the feeling of full lung expansion that was never possible while wearing a binder.  They had survived their first day.

  
  


That weekend, Hamilton showed up at Jake’s door again.  “You really think you can hack into the school’s system?”  He asked.

Jake nodded.  “No problem.”

“Come on,”  Hamilton started down the hall, gesturing for Jake to follow.  “I have an idea.”

He led them up the service stairs to the rooftop access door.  He had never shown anyone this hiding place, and hoped he wouldn’t regret it.  Somehow he didn’t think he would.

“Whoa,”  Jake exclaimed, taking in the view as they walked across the roof.  

Hamilton explained his idea, and Jake nodded eagerly.  “Hacking into this satellite feed is gonna be great. I mean, it'll be like twenty times faster than 56K.”  

Hamilton handed Jake a duffel bag of cables and equipment, his face flushed and blue eyes alight.  “So you can do it?”

“Oh definitely.”  Jake took one of the cables out and started hooking it up to the satellite dish.  Hamilton chattered happily while they worked, and Jake was enjoying the company. They couldn’t remember the last time they had just hung out with someone, no pretenses or fake small talk.

When they were done, they headed back downstairs to see if it had worked.  

“I can’t believe you hacked into NASA!”  Hamilton exclaimed, continuing their conversation.  “That is so  _ War Games _ .”

“Yeah, but you can only stay on for like thirty seconds.”  Jake replied, not used to such enthusiastic praise.

They reached the bottom of the staircase and Hamilton playfully snatched Jake’s hat.  “Cool cap,” he said, pulling it down over his thick dark-brown hair. Jake ducked their head and put a hand up to their face, feeling exposed.  Hamilton immediately handed it back. “It smells good,” he told Jake, then suddenly looked uncomfortable and cleared his throat. “Okay, well, see ya.”  He took off down the hallway, leaving Jake feeling a little bewildered but still happy to have found a friend. 

When they got back to their room, Jake booted up their laptop to see if the connection was any faster.  It seemed to have worked and Jake’s elation grew. Their energy couldn’t be contained indoors, so they grabbed their jacket from its hook and headed out across the grounds.  It was time to take the bike out of storage.


	2. The Hardy Boys meets Nancy Drew

When Jake bounded around the side of the school building and saw the empty space where their motorcycle had been, all happiness turned to dread.  Someone had found it. Not knowing what else to do, they continued walking around until they reached the back of Rawley Academy and headed straight toward the Dean’s house. 

Hamilton was sitting in the front lawn, throwing a frisbee for his two Golden Retrievers.  He looked so carefree that Jake almost didn’t want to burden him, but they had no one else to turn to.   

“Hey,” Jake whispered, sitting down beside him.  Hamilton didn’t look up. “My bike’s gone.”

“What?”  Hamilton asked mildly.  “Where’d you leave it?”

“In that perfect hiding spot that you showed me!”  Jake hissed more sharply than they intended. Hamilton wasn’t seeming to grasp the seriousness of the situation.

“Well I didn’t take it!”  Hamilton snapped, getting defensive in response to the panic in Jake’s voice.

“I wasn’t accusing you,”  Jake softened their tone. “But who could have found it?”

Hamilton thought for a moment.  “The groundskeeper.” He concluded finally.

Jake groaned and hung their head.  “You know I’m not even supposed to have that thing here.  Now I’ll never get it back. What am I supposed to do?” 

“What are you asking me for?”  Hamilton was still surly and Jake had no idea why.

“God, sorry.”  Jake jumped up and started to stalk away, cursing themself for deciding to trust him in the first place.   It had only been a week, but Jake had come to rely on Hamilton being there, with a smile or some random advice.  It was their mistake, they knew it had to be too good to be true. But then they felt a strong hand grab theirs and it stopped them short.

“Wait, wait.”  Hamilton pleaded, looking contrite.  Jake eyed him warily. “We can probably figure this out.”  

He didn’t sound at all enthusiastic, but Jake had no other options.  

“Meet me at the main staircase tomorrow night, after dinner.”  Hamilton said, and he was starting to sound like his genuine self again.  

Jake smiled in spite of themself, and Hamilton’s mouth quirked up in a half smile in response.  “Thank you,” they told him earnestly.

  
  


The next night, Hamilton waited at the bottom of the staircase for Jake to join him.  He felt nervous energy racing through him, and couldn’t seem to hold still. Finally Jake came down, wearing their black leather motorcycle jacket and matching gloves.  

Hamilton grinned.  “We’re recovering your motorcycle, not lifting the  _ Mona Lisa _ ,” he gibed playfully.  Jake shook their head, smiling, and removed the gloves.  

“Come on,” Hamilton led them to the staff wing of the school, keys in hand.  “If the groundskeeper has it, I know where it will be. I used to sneak in here at night and steal lawnmowers, ride ‘em around the lake.”  He reached the door to the garage a put a key in the lock.

“High times at Rawley,” Jake quipped.  “Didn’t know I was a partner with a juvenile delinquent.”

“You should talk,”  Hamilton returned, opening the door quietly.  They descended the staircase slowly, flashlights in hand.    

“There it is!”  Jake whispered excitedly, rushing forward.  They examined the bike anxiously, making sure nothing was wrong with it.  Hamilton bent on the other side, holding the flashlight up for them.

Suddenly a light switched on and they hit the deck, breathing hard in panic.  But Jake saw Hamilton’s face relax a moment later, and turned to see what he was looking at.  The groundskeeper was in his office, getting comfortable in a chair in front of his small T.V.  The light from the office was shining through the window into the garage. Jake sighed in relief, knowing that with the light on inside there was no way the groundskeeper would be able to see what they were doing.  They switched off their flashlights just in case. 

“Shouldn’t he be out of here by now?”  Jake asked.

Hamilton shook his head.  “It’s nine o’clock.” He answered, as if that should explain everything.

“So he isn’t off work?”

“No,  _ Felicity _ comes on.”  Hamilton grinned.  “He never misses an episode, like clockwork.  He even cries sometimes, I swear.” His words were muddled by barely suppressed laughter.    

“Shh!”  Jake hissed, but they were laughing along with him.

“Just keep quiet and he’ll never know we were here.”

They stood up and started pushing the bike out of the garage.

“What are you doing?”  A loud voice cried out from the office and they both ducked again, looking wildly toward the window.  But the groundskeeper wasn’t looking at them, he was still fixated on the T.V. in front of him. “Ben’s in love with you, not her!”  He yelled at his T.V.

The two friends dissolved into laughter, not even trying to suppress it this time.  By the time they wheeled the bike out of the garage, they were gasping for breath. Jake didn’t know why Hamilton had been acting weird earlier, but was just glad that he seemed to be back to his usual jovial self.  Being around him was a rush, almost like a high, and Jake was starting to feel lightheaded. 

“So what’s it like having your dad as the Dean?”  Jake asked him, trying to bring themself back to Earth.  As fun as this giddy feeling was, Jake didn’t understand it yet.

“Well, he is  _ The Dean _ , from the time he wakes up ‘till the time he goes to sleep.”  

“Yeah, I hear that.”  Jake was no stranger to absentee parents.  “My mom might as well have her cellphone surgically implanted.”  They laughed together again. 

“I can’t believe we actually pulled this off!”  Hamilton exclaimed.

“Me either!”  Jake agreed. They stashed the bike in a new spot, further out, hoping it wouldn’t be discovered again.

“This was so... _ Hardy Boys _ .”  Hamilton remarked.

“Yeah, meets  _ Nancy Drew. _ ”  Jake grinned.  “Thank you,” Jake told him seriously.  “For everything. You have no idea.”

Hamilton shrugged it off.  “You’d do the same for me. Friends, right?”

“Friends,”  Jake murmured, but they were getting lost in the deep blue of Hamilton’s eyes.  Before they knew what they were doing, Jake was kissing Hamilton full on the mouth.  His lips were soft and warm, and something awakened deep inside Jake that they had never felt before.  

“Oh!”  Jake stammered, stepping backward in haste as soon as they realized what they had done.  “Oh, god, I’m sorry.” They cleared their throat nervously, searching Hamilton’s face to gauge his reaction.  

He looked completely stunned, face flushed and eyebrows knitted together in confusion.  He raised a hand to his lips as if he wasn’t sure if the kiss had really just happened, and Jake was almost undone by the desire to kiss him again.  Something had happened when their lips touched, and Jake knew they’d never be the same again. 

Fear and uncertainty took over, and with one last “I’m sorry,” Jake turned and ran for it.  But even with all of the conflicting emotions racing around inside them, Jake just couldn’t manage to keep the smile off of their face. 

  
  


Hamilton stood there staring into space for a long time before he managed to force his feet to move.  His mind was a whirl of conflict, and he was way too keyed up to head home. He circled the building before climbing the stairs to his favorite spot on the roof.  What had just happened? One minute, he and Jake were having fun sneaking the motorcycle outside, and the next...well, he had definitely never expected his first kiss to be like that.  

Jake was different than anyone he had ever met before, that was for certain.  If he was honest with himself, he had noticed it right away. Hanging around Jake felt good, in way that none of his other friendships ever had.  But did that mean it was something more? He had felt it acutely yesterday, after their success with the satellite. He had felt happy, almost buoyant, just bringing Jake up to the roof with him and talking.  And then, when he had snatched Jake’s hat and worn it and it had smelled like shampoo and cologne and  _ Jake _ ...it was just too much.  He needed some distance, to get some perspective.  

 

The next morning, he was determined to avoid Jake at all costs.  It was impossible to think clearly when they were together. He should have known it was going to be futile.  Aside from the fact that they had English and rowing together, Hamilton just wasn’t strong enough to stay away.  And so once again he found himself standing in Jake’s doorway.

Jake stood in front of their mirror, turning this way and that as if trying to decide if they looked okay.  Hamilton just regarded them for a moment, and sure enough he felt that pull towards Jake as if they were a magnet and he a piece of scrap metal.  He felt out of control, and that scared him. He had to put a stop to this, now. He cleared his throat loudly, and Jake whirled around, startled.

“How long have you been standing there?”  Jake demanded.

“Long enough to know that I have to make something very clear.”  Hamilton steeled himself to say what he had to say next. “Look if you’re...gay, that’s...whatever, that’s fine.  But that’s not who I think I am, I mean I k _ now _ I am.  I mean, I know I’m  _ not _ who you think I am, I’m not.”  The words came out in a jumble. He was mucking this up horribly and Jake was looking at him with an unfathomable expression. 

“Okay,”  Jake said simply.  “So, I’m gonna go for a ride.  I’ll see ya later.” They picked their keys up off of the dresser and moved to walk past him out the door.  Hamilton didn’t know what he had expected, but it wasn’t this. He had said what he felt needed to be said, but he didn’t want things to end this way either.  He held his hand out to Jake before they could leave.

“Still friends?”  He asked, equally terrified of either answer.   

Jake took his hand and shook it, finally looking him in the eyes.  Hamilton felt his resolve melt under the weight of their gaze, and he kept their hand in his for much longer than he intended.  

“Still friends.”  Jake agreed, and Hamilton felt a huge grin spread over his face.  “I just want you to know, you don’t have to feel weird around me.”  

“I do,”  Hamilton admitted honestly.  “But I’m trying not to.” He realized he was still holding on to Jake’s hand and released it quickly, moving his hand up to smooth his hair back nervously.  Jake headed off down the hallway, leaving Hamilton to shut the door. He wandered in the opposite direction, hands shoved into his jean pockets, shoulders hunched, and head down as one thought screamed loudly in his head.

_ Oh my god, I think I’m gay. _


	3. Bell Book and Candle

Hamilton was better at avoiding Jake after that.  He kept busy by hanging with the other guys in the dorm common room and playing pick-up games in the basketball court.  It was easier when he didn’t let himself think about anything. Things were starting to feel like what he had always imagined life at Rawley to be.  

But the harder he tried to stay away, the more it felt like Jake was seeking him out.  They sat next to him on the floor when he was watching the fight one night and tried to start up a conversation.  Hamilton did his best to ignore them, but he was positive the other guys noticed something was going on. So he gritted his teeth and stared intently at the T.V., not looking at Jake and hoping they would go away.  They did, and when they turned to look back at him on their way out Hamilton felt guilt and anguish wash over him when he saw the look on their face. 

Then one day he was walking across the grounds when he heard his mom calling him.

“Oh, there’s Munchie!”

Hamilton grimaced when she used his nickname so loudly.  

“Mom!”  He whispered loudly when she caught up to him.  “Drop the ‘Munchie’.”

“Oh, sorry Honey.”  She apologized. “I want you to meet someone.”  She gestured to an attractive girl with red hair standing beside her.  “This is Lena, she’s from L.A. and she’s touring our school. So could you do me a favor and take her back to the girls’ campus so she doesn’t get lost?”

“Sure, of course.”  Hamilton agreed, and looked at Lena with renewed interest.  She smiled brightly at him and he walked with her down towards the lake.  “So what’s it like in L.A.?” He asked her.

“Nothing’s indigenous.”  She answered. “Even the palm trees are brought in.”

Hamilton nodded thoughtfully and Lena started laughing.

“I always wanted to say that.”  She told him. “It’s from  _ The Way We Were _ .”

“Oh,” he laughed with her.  “So, you like movies?” 

“Some.  Mostly old ones.”

That gave Hamilton an idea, one that might just solve all of his problems.  “They just restored an old drive-in theater near here. It opens tomorrow night.”  But before he could finish inviting Lena to the movies, Jake showed up. Hamilton’s heart started pounding hard in his chest when Jake hopped lightly over the rock wall and joined them.  

“Hey,”  Jake greeted them.

“Hi.”  Lena returned warmly, giving Jake the once-over.

“Jake, this is-” 

“Lena,”  she interrupted him to offer her hand to Jake.

“From L.A.”  Hamilton finished lamely.  “She’s looking at Rawley for the fall semester.  I was just showing her the way back to the girls’ campus.”

“Oh, well, how chivalrous.”  Jake’s usual sarcasm seemed more pronounced and Hamilton frowned.  

“We’re going to the drive-in tomorrow night to see a movie, do you want to come?”  Lena asked Jake.

Jake looked back and forth between Hamilton and Lena before answering.  “Yeah, sure.”

“Great.”  Hamilton pressed his lips together in a tight smile.  What was happening here?

“You know, you look exactly like my ex-boyfriend.”  Lena told Jake, who snorted loudly in surprise.

“I hope that’s a compliment?”

“It is.”  Lena assured them.  “So we’ll see you tomorrow night?”

“Yes you will.”  Jake and Lena grinned at each other and Hamilton was feeling more awkward by the second.

“Okay, well, the girls’ school’s this way.”  Hamilton took Lena’s elbow and began leading her away, wondering how in the world he was going to get out of this mess.  

 

Jake spent a long time getting ready for movie night.  They tried on every outfit before deciding on a blue button-up and jeans.  They couldn’t help but feel like this was a date, they just weren’t sure with whom, or if they were unwittingly crashing Hamilton's date with Lena.  Finally when their hair was perfectly styled and they met Hamilton and Lena in the school parking lot.  Hamilton had borrowed his dad’s truck for the evening. They sat side-by-side in silence during the short drive to the theater, and Jake could already feel the hysterics building up inside them at the impossible situation they were in.  All they could do was keep their mouth clamped shut and hope to god they didn’t start laughing uncontrollably. They should never have agreed to this, but the prospect of spending time with Hamilton had been too good to pass up.

When they arrived, they unloaded their folding chairs and set them up three abreast facing the screen.  Lena sat in the middle, and soon they were sitting together watching  _ Bell, Book and Candle _ on the big screen.

“This movie’s so romantic.”  Lena leaned over and whispered in Jake’s ear.

“What?”  Jake frowned.  “It’s creepy, she’s a witch.”

“Two people completely fall for each other under the worst possible circumstances, but they go for it.”  She explained.  Jake thought about her words, and could see Hamilton watching them from the other side of Lena.

“Hey, look.”  He said. “It’s a full moon.”

Jake felt hope well up inside them.  It was the most he had spoken to them in what felt like ages.  “Oh yeah,” they answered, smiling as they looked up at the moon.  “Look at that.”

“Actually, the full moon’s not until tomorrow night.”  Lena grumbled, obviously disappointed that they weren’t paying attention to her anymore.  

“Thanks for the update.”  Hamilton snapped, and turned to stare back at the screen.  Jake had rarely heard him sound so irritable, and wondered if they were the cause.

“I’m gonna go and get some JuJubes.”  Jake told them, and left hurriedly wondering why they had agreed to come along at all.

  
  


Hamilton felt like the air had been forced out of his lungs the second Jake left.  He had almost forgotten how good it felt to be around them, how their smile alone could make him feel like he was floating.  The truth was he had been trying to forget, but it wasn’t working, not really. He could distract himself as much as possible but at the end of the day his thoughts always returned to Jake.  He thought for a moment that going out with Lena might change things for him, but that had backfired in the biggest way. All he wanted now was for her to go away so he could sit with Jake alone, laughing and joking like they used to.

But there she was, and as soon as Jake was out of earshot she pounced.

“Oh my god I thought he’d never leave!”  She cried.

“What do you mean?”  For one wild second he thought she meant she wanted to be alone with him, but before he could start panicking about how he felt about that she clarified.

“I mean you have to tell me everything!”  She gushed. “Do you think he likes me?”

Hamilton frowned.  

“I thought I got those vibes,” Lena continued.  “But am I confusing signals? He’s so hard to read.”

_ Tell me about it _ .  Hamilton thought, but only nodded.  Lena was still talking.

“But, that’s kinda what I like about him.”  She smiled.

“Yeah.”  Hamilton found himself agreeing out loud.

“Can you talk to him for me?”

“No!”  Hamilton answered without thinking.  “I mean, it’s a bad idea.”

“What is, you talking to him or us getting together?”

“I don’t know.  I just...don’t see it.  The whole thing.”

“Really.”  Lena pursed her lips and appraised him anew.  Hamilton shrank down in his seat, wondering if he had revealed too much but not quite able to bring himself to care if he had.  After a moment she got up and took Jake’s chair, leaving the middle seat empty.

Finally Jake returned and sat down in between them without seeming to mind the new seating arrangements.  Through the rest of the movie, every time Hamilton would sneak a glance at Jake he could see Lena on Jake’s other side sneaking glances of her own.

  
  


Hamilton spent the rest of the weekend agonizing over whether or not Lena made a move on Jake, and whether or not Jake reciprocated.  Finally it was all too much, he just had to find out for himself. He saw Jake walking across campus alone and rushed to catch up.

“Hey!”  He called out, and Jake immediately turned around and smiled at him.

“Hey.”

“Okay, look.”  He started, thinking he was ready to spill his guts but chickening out at the last second.  “You win.” He finally told Jake.

“I win what?”  They asked him, confused.

“Lena,” he answered, bracing himself for what was sure to be the painful confirmation of what he’d been fearing.  

“Oh, wow, I won Lena?  Does she come with a trip to Hawaii?”  Jake retorted, laughing.

Hamilton blinked in surprise.  Jake never reacted the way he expected.  That was part of their appeal, but it also kept him off balance.

“You know what I mean,” he rolled his eyes, too nervous to joke around.  “She likes you.” He studied Jake’s face, trying to ascertain their true feelings about the situation.  As usual, their face was as inscrutable as ever. “Not that I really care.” He deflected at the last minute.

Now it was Jake’s turn to roll their eyes.  Hamilton wasn’t fooling anyone. “Oh come on, this is a chemistry thing.  It’s not something you can control it’s just...some people click.” 

“Yeah,”  Hamilton agreed.

“And I’m sure you’ve clicked with plenty of babes, so don’t feel bad just because this one didn’t work out.”  Jake went on.

“Well do you like her?”  Hamilton blurted, unable to wait any longer.

“Oh, I don’t know.  I mean, she’s hot...right?”  Jake didn’t sound convinced.

“Wait a minute.  Do you think she’s hot?”  Hamilton needed to know.

“Don’t you?”  Jake returned.

“Look, whatever happens I’m...I’m cool with it.”  He could barely get the words out, but he didn’t want to stand in the way if this is what Jake wanted.

“Really?”

“She likes you, so, go for it.”  Hamilton turned and walked quickly away before Jake could see the pain in his eyes.

  
  


As Jake watched Hamilton walking away, they felt like the sun was setting and darkness was closing in.  They had listened when Hamilton told them that he wasn’t gay, which Jake interpreted to mean that he didn’t like them in  _ that _ way- the way that meant sneaking a kiss after a motorcycle heist.  But they had maintained hope, however futilely, that maybe he would change his mind.  But since then he had been avoiding them, and now...well, now he was actually jealous of Jake for the fact that a girl was crushing on them.  

_ What  _ isn’t _ wrong with this picture?? _  Jake shook their head and made their way back to the dorms.  When they got there, they found Lena waiting for them.

“Hey Jake,”  she smiled.

“Oh, hey.”

“Can I come in?”

“Uh, sure.”  They stepped inside, glancing furtively around to make sure nothing had been left out in the open.  Lena closed the door behind them and Jake shifted nervously. They had no idea what was about to happen.

“So…”  Lena walked toward them, smiling coyly.

“So, I thought you’d be leaving for the airport by now.”  Jake said hurriedly.

“Yeah, I just wanted to come by and tell you that I had a really great time last night, and to let you know that I’m transferring to Rawley Girls’ now instead of waiting for fall.”  Her face was open and hopeful.

“Oh wow, welcome.  That’s great.” Jake tried to sound genuine, but they were really just trying to hold it together until she left and they could wallow in peace.

“I just feel like we really connected, and I was hoping that now that I’m going to be at Rawley, you’ll remember me.”

“Oh I...I will.”  Jake had no idea how to handle this situation.  They didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but they already knew there was no way they could reciprocate.

“I think you’re really cool,”  Lena went on, stepping even closer to Jake.

“I think you’re cool too.”  Jake backed up until they were practically sitting on their desk.

“And I was hoping we could hang out again or...something.”  Lena put a hand against Jake’s cheek, and slowly leaned in to press her lips against theirs.

“Whoa, whoa!”  Jake cried out to stop her.  “Lena, this isn’t going to work.”

Lena’s face went beet red and her eyes filled with tears.  She turned to leave, but Jake stopped her so they could explain.

“This isn’t because of you, at all.  I promise.” Jake took her hands and looked into her blue eyes, so different from Hamilton’s, and willed her to understand.

“Listen, you’re beautiful, and any guy would be on you in a second if you walked through  _ their _ door.  But...I’m in love with someone.”  Jake realized the truth of the words as soon as they spoke them.  “It wouldn’t be fair to you, I hope you understand.”

Lena closed her eyes and sighed.  “I should’ve listened to Hamilton.”  She said. “He was right, this was a bad idea.”

“He did?”  Jake couldn’t dare to hope, they were sure to be wrong again.

“I think he was jealous.”

Jake nodded, having suspected as much after talking with him.  “Yeah, I guess he likes you.” They hung their head glumly.

“No,”  Lena disagreed.  “I think he likes you.”

Jake looked up at her, their heart careening around in their chest.  It couldn’t be true...could it?

Lena smiled sadly one more time, then turned and was out the door before Jake could get their brain into gear.

“What?”  They finally asked the empty room, then rushed to follow Lena out the door.

When they reached the hall, they were met with boisterous cheers and catcalling.  Jake frowned, trying to see through the crowd to Lena’s retreating form. She was already gone, and they were about to head back in when they saw Hamilton arrive, drawn by the uproar.

“What’s goin’ on guys?”  He asked, and then his eyes met Jake’s.

“Jake had that hot Cali chick in his room,” someone told him, and the cheering intensified.  Jake tried to shrug it off, but Hamilton was headed their way looking crestfallen.

“It’s not what you think.”  Jake told him.

“Yeah right.”  Hamilton replied in a low voice, then raised his palm for a high-five.  Jake mimicked the gesture, and Hamilton brushed his fingers lightly across Jake’s before storming away.  

 

Jake shut the door to their room and locked it, trying to block out all of the noise so that they could think clearly.  They were certain about a couple of things. One, they were definitely in love with Hamilton. There was no point in denying it any longer.  It was not surprising in theory, considering how well they got along. What was surprising was that Jake never saw it coming. They never even entertained the possibility of falling in love with a guy when they were scheming to enroll in an all-boys academy.  The goal here was to be able to be themselves, that was it. And now here they were, getting stuffed into another closet, one that they didn’t even know was theirs. 

Jake had known they were different all their life.  They screamed bloody murder every time their mom tried to make them wear a dress, and would steal scissors to chop off their own hair if they weren’t taken to a barber to have it done.  Jake knew without having to be told that most people assigned female at birth didn’t feel this strongly about things like that. 

And then their stepdad, on the rare occasions that he noticed them at all, started with the name-calling.  Words like ‘butch’ and ‘dyke’. Even as a young person Jake knew what those words meant: a girl who liked to kiss other girls.  But Jake had never kissed a girl, had never kissed anyone until...Hamilton. With his deep blue eyes that expressed his every thought. 

And so Jake had never considered that they might be gay, but Hamilton had assumed that after their kiss.  So it stood to reason that if he thought that, everyone else would too. Jake decided to worry about that problem when, or if, it came up later.  It wouldn’t matter if the more pressing issue at hand turned out to be moot. That issue being whether or not Hamilton felt anything for Jake like what Jake was feeling now.  They had to find out, and soon.


	4. Love Among the Ruins

Some time later, Lena did indeed enroll at Rawley Girls’ Academy across the lake from them.  Around the same time, Finn combined his English class with theirs, creating a larger co-ed group.  Any sympathy Jake had felt for her was now erased. She was constantly looking at them or at Hamilton in that knowing way.  

Jake hadn’t made any progress toward figuring out if Hamilton had feelings for them.  Since the incident with Lena in Jake’s room, Hamilton had become more distant than ever.  Jake had no idea how to proceed, so they just spent their time quietly observing Hamilton from afar, hoping for a sign that he still cared about them.  

 

One day, Finn was holding class in the lawn on campus.  They were reading a poem by Browning. Robert, of course, not Elizabeth Barrett.  Jake was planning to tune it all out like they usually did, but today it was Hamilton’s turn to read aloud.  Listening to him speak the words, Jake became entranced. 

 

“And they built their gods a brazen pillar high    
As the sky    
Yet reserved a thousand chariots in full force—    
Gold, of course.    
O heart! oh blood that freezes, blood that burns!    
Earth's returns    
For whole centuries of folly, noise and sin!    
Shut them in,    
With their triumphs and their glories and the rest!    
Love is best. “

 

The poem was about deciding that society in all its complexities is overrated, and at the end of the day all a person needs is to come home to their quiet life with the person they love.  It occurred to Jake that maybe the problem wasn’t that Hamilton didn’t have feelings for them, but that they were afraid of what everyone would think. Jake had dealt with that for so long that it hardly phased them anymore, but Hamilton had probably never had to deal with something like this in his life.  Maybe he just needed a little push.

Jake was so lost in their contemplation that they didn’t realize Finn had called on them until the rest of the class started laughing.

“Jake?”  Finn repeated.  “Had any crushes lately?”

Jake’s eyes immediately went to Hamilton, but they quickly looked away hoping no one had noticed.

“Uh, maybe.”  They finally answered.  

“Okay, well what poem- no, what song- makes you feel?”

“ _ I Try. _  Macy Gray.”  They answered without hesitation.  They had been listening to that song on repeat for weeks.  

“Let’s hear it.  You don’t have to sing, just recite it.”

“Okay.”  Jake took a steadying breath.  “I keep my cool, but I'm fiending.  I try to say goodbye and I choke. Try to walk away and I stumble.  Though I try to hide it, it's clear-”  
“My world crumbles when you are not here.”  Lena finished. Jake glared at her. “What, it’s a good song.”  
“Those words comfort us, because we personalize them.”  Finn told them. “Now, let’s personalize Browning. Mr. Krudski?”

“Maybe what Browning was saying is that even the strongest armies and empires can be wiped out, but no one can stop you from falling in love.”  Will answered.

“Spoken like a hopeless romantic.”

Jake tuned them out again and spent the rest of the class surreptitiously observing Hamilton, as usual, and contemplating the inevitability of falling in love with someone who wouldn’t let himself love them back.  

  
  


That afternoon during crew training, Hamilton listened to Jake’s voice in his ear as they issued suggestions and corrections through the wireless headset.  It was the closest contact they had these days, and he relished it. Jake sat in the back of the boat facing him as he rowed along with the others. During these sessions he allowed his gaze to linger.  No one rowing behind him would ever be the wiser.   
When training ended, Finn instructed them to clean the boat and gear up on shore.  Most of the guys spent the time teasing each other about who had invited whom to the upcoming cotillion that weekend.  Hamilton was joking around with them while carrying the oars, and when he turned around he felt the oars smack into something solid.  Someone cried out, and Hamilton dropped the oars and whirled around. He knew that voice.

“Oh, god, I’m sorry.  Are you all right?” He asked Jake.

“Yeah,” they winced, rubbing their back.  “I’m tougher than I look, its fine.” Jake laughed it off.  “So, are you renting or do you own?”

“Um, neither, I still live with my parents.”  Hamilton answered, confused.

Jake laughed.  “I’m talking about tuxedos.”

“Oh, for the cotillion.”

“Uh huh.”

“I’m gonna do the dinner jacket thing.  You know, like Bogie in  _ Casablanca _ .”

“Not bad,”  Jake nodded.

“You?”

“Dunnow.  If I go at all it’ll just be a drop-by solo thing.”  Jake’s dark eyes met his in a way that almost felt like a challenge, and he had to look away.

“Yeah me too.”  Hamilton agreed.  “Solo.”  
“Could be fun.”

“Lots of chicks in taffeta.”  He quipped, and Jake laughed. It almost felt normal again, a small glimpse of how it felt to hang out with Jake.  He had felt it for a moment at the drive-in too, before Lena got in the way. “You didn’t ask Lena?”

“No, I didn’t.”

Hamilton grinned, feeling inexplicably elated.  He didn’t know why, it wasn’t like he could invite Jake to the cotillion with him whether they already had a date or not.  They worked on the boat in companionable silence for a moment before Jake spoke again.

“You know what, why don’t we just...go solo together.”  They suggested.

Hamilton thought about it for a second.  Would people think it was weird? He had been dragged along to these things as the Dean’s son for years, but had never thought twice about guys arriving in groups or pairs together.  Maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal.

“Yeah,” he agreed.  “Okay.”

“Great.”  Jake grinned, and Hamilton felt his heart stutter like it always did when Jake smiled at him.  “It’s a date.” And with that they turned and strode away.

Jake’s words swept through him leaving a multitude of emotions in their wake.   _ A date, with Jake. _  Excitement, dread, elation, terror.  He clung to the side of the boat, momentarily immobilized while he processed everything he was feeling.

 

As the night of the cotillion approached, Hamilton’s terror was steadily overtaking all of his other emotions.  What was he thinking? He couldn’t do it, he just couldn’t. He was trudging through the grounds to his next class when Lena caught up to him.  

“Hey!”  She called out a greeting.

“Hey,” he mumbled back.

“So, who are you taking to the dance?”

“No one.”  Hamilton’s voice was gruff.  He just wanted this dance to be over with already.

“You didn’t ask Jake?”

That stopped him short.  “What did you just say?”

“I mean, I already know he’s not interested in me so I thought maybe you-”

“What are you talking about?”  Hamilton demanded, fear lancing through him.  If it was that obvious to someone he just met…

“Anyway,” she went on, clearly eager to change the subject.  “I thought that since you’re the only other person I know here, if you’re not taking anyone maybe we could go together?”

At that moment Jake rounded the corner and almost ran right into them.  

“Hey Jake,” he greeted them.

“Hi,” they responded with a smile that melted him to the core.  It was a long moment before Jake noticed Lena standing there, and the smile faded.  “Hey Lena.”

“How’s it goin’?” She asked.

“Great,”  they responded genuinely.  “Really great.”

“Perfect.”  She turned to Hamilton.  “So I’ll call you later?”

“Oh, ‘kay.”  

“What was that about?”  Jake asked him.

“Well she didn’t have a date so…”  Hamilton trailed off.

“So you’re going with her.  Of course.”

They regarded each other awkwardly for a moment.

“So,”  Hamilton tried to break the ice.  “Did you decide to ask anyone?”

“Nah, think I’m gonna skip it.”

Hamilton’s heart sank.  “Oh.”

“Besides, the only person I had my eye on is going with someone else.”  Jake’s eyes were so full of sadness that Hamilton wanted to do anything to bring their smile back.

“Well,”  he held up the history textbook in his hand.  “I’m history.” He joked. It took a minute, but eventually Jake’s face lifted into a little half-smile.  Hamilton walked the rest of the way to class feeling just as conflicted as before, only this time it was because he was wondering if the person Jake had their eye on was someone else.  Maybe he had just been imagining something between them all along and was torturing himself for nothing. 

  
  


Jake practically ran back to their room and slammed the door, tears already falling.  They had been so close to connecting with Hamilton, and then he had brushed them off. Again.  Maybe it was pointless to keep trying, if he was just going to keep breaking their heart.

They spent all of Saturday closed up their room, not wanting to listen to all of the plans being made for that evening.  Instead they turned up their stereo and blasted  _ I Try _ until they couldn’t think anymore.  

  
  


Hamilton arrived at the cotillion with Lena by his side.  He searched the crowd, but as expected there was no sign of Jake.  With a resigned sigh, he pulled Lena into a slow dance and tried to get a handle on his emotions.  On one hand, he was relieved that Jake wasn’t here with someone else. On the other, he was disappointed that they wouldn’t be spending time together.  He knew it was all his fault. Once again he had chickened out.

“Wow, he looks gorgeous!”  Lena exclaimed. Hamilton spun around and saw Jake in the doorway, hair slicked down to the side and wearing a new tux.  He felt like the wind had been knocked out of him, and then when Jake met his eyes and broke into a huge grin he could breathe again.  

Lena, in her fashion, was still talking.  “I had this silly fantasy that I would end up with one of you, but clearly that’s not going to happen.”

Her words brought him back down to earth, and he looked around him in a panic wondering how many people had seen him gawking at Jake.  “I don’t know what I was thinking!” He hissed under his breath.

“Stop thinking.”  Lena told him. “Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind.  Take the leap while you’re still young. It’s time to follow your heart.”  He gaped at her. How could he do that? What would people think? “I know, that’s totally cliche.”  She continued, oblivious to his inner turmoil. “But that doesn’t make it any less true.” She looked him in the eye.  “Go be with Jake. I’ll be over by the punch bowl. There’s a guy over there who’s been eyeing me all night.” She winked at him and then walked away, leaving him alone on the dance floor.  

He glanced back up and saw Jake still watching him.  He felt exposed and vulnerable, and his knees turned to jelly.  He couldn’t do it. He turned and ran the other way. 

  
  


Jake saw Hamilton’s eyes light up when he saw them enter the cotillion.  For one amazing, glorious moment they thought it had finally happened, and that Hamilton did feel the same way Jake felt.  But then he turned away. Jake supposed they should have expected it, but it still felt like knives stabbing them through the chest.  The pain was almost crippling, but Jake fought against it. They had seen something in Hamilton’s eyes, and they weren’t going to let him get away so easily.  Not without a fight. 

  
  


Hamilton distracted himself at the banquet table, willing his limbs to stop trembling.  Why did Jake have such a strong effect on him? What was it about them? It seemed like no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t escape them.  And sure enough, when he turned around Jake was there, dark eyes pleading with him.

He felt that pull, and his feet carried him forward before he could make them stop.  They stood face to face and Jake’s eyes caught and held him; he was paralyzed.

“Hi,” he breathed, his voice barely a whisper.

“Hi,”  Jake echoed.  “I need to talk to you.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“But not here.”  Jake glanced around, and Hamilton felt as if a spell had been lifted from him.  The music was loud in his ears and all the people dancing around them seemed to be closing in.  He fought to control his breathing, and he was losing. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”  He told Jake through clenched teeth, and he forced himself to turn away from Jake once again.  Each step that took him farther away felt heavier, required more strength, until by the time he was back at the table he felt like he had run a mile.  Why was he fighting this so hard? He was exhausted, he couldn’t fight it anymore. He straightened his shoulders and turned back to Jake, only to find that they were already across the room and opening the door to the men’s room.

Hamilton’s feet propelled him forward, and as he closed the distance he felt the weight of his fear drifting away.  He entered the room a moment after Jake, closing and locking the door behind him. He stopped to catch his breath, saw Jake standing in front of one of the mirrors with their hands on the sink and head bowed.  

Hamilton didn’t think, didn’t question, he just rushed forward and took Jake by the shoulders, turning them to face him.

“What are you doing?”  Jake asked.

“Throwing caution to the wind.” 

And with that, Hamilton placed his hands along Jake’s neck and kissed them deeply without reservations.  After a split-second of surprised hesitation, Jake was kissing him back just as passionately, their hands clutching his hair and trying to pull him even closer as their lips moved with his.  

They kissed until he couldn’t breathe, and he never wanted it to end.  Feeling Jake’s lips on his, their skin under his hands, the smell of their hair, it was more than he could ever have imagined.  He broke away with a ragged gasp, unwilling to break contact but knowing if he didn’t he would never be able to stop. 

“Oh my god,” he cried, his voice spilling over with joy.  “That was…” He had no words for what that was.

“I know,”  Jake agreed, equally breathless.  “I know.”

“But, does this mean that-”

“This is not-”

“It is, we’re gay.”  As Hamilton said the word out loud, it didn’t terrify him quite so much as it had when he was mulling it over in his mind, alone.  Something about Jake made him believe that everything would be okay, somehow. As long as they were together.

“I don’t know what we are, I only know what I feel.”  Jake told him. “And this feels right. It has from the beginning.”

“It has for me too.  I just...didn’t know how to deal.”

“I noticed,”  Jake laughed, and their smile warmed him from the inside out.


	5. The Waiting Game

Jake lay awake all night, reliving the moment when Hamilton had kissed them over and over.  It had been beyond anything Jake could have hoped for. There was no turning back now. They only wished they knew what Hamilton was thinking right now.  Did he regret it? Was he having second thoughts?

Most of all, they knew they had to tell him the truth, the whole truth, before they got in too deep.  Jake bit at their lower lip, worrying. How would he take it? Would he stay, or would he run again? Unable to stand the unforeseeable outcome, they sat at their desk with a pen and paper and started to write him a letter.

Then, as the morning sun was starting to creep in through the window, there came a soft knock at their door.  Jake rushed to zip on their binder and throw a sweatshirt on before opening it to admit Hamilton. 

“I couldn’t sleep,” he told them.

“Me neither,” Jake agreed, and they leaned back against their door just drinking in the sight of him.  Hamilton approached them, slowly this time, until he stood so close they were almost touching, his hand pressed against the door near their shoulder.  Jake could feel the heat of his skin and smell the intoxicating mixture of soap and detergent and toothpaste that was uniquely  _ him _ .  They were about the same height, and their eyes locked for a long moment as Jake searched for some clue as to what Hamilton was feeling now.  To their surprise, they didn’t see any regret or remorse in his clear blue eyes. Instead there was something darker, something that pulled at Jake deep inside, and suddenly they couldn’t stand what little distance remained between them.

They pulled Hamilton against them, their mouth searching for his until they connected and Jake was soaring again, unable to feel the floor beneath their feet or the door at their back, unable to think about anything other than his hands resting against the sides of their neck and his lips moving with theirs.  There was only Hamilton.

  
  


Hamilton let himself drown in the feeling of kissing Jake, giving himself wholly to the sensations as he pressed himself against them, as close as they could be but never close enough.  Now that he knew what he wanted- Jake- he wanted them  _ now _ .  He wasn’t going to waste any more time on indecision.  Nothing had ever felt so good, or so right, in his entire life.     

He never consciously decided, his body took the lead.  He moved his hands lightly along Jake’s jawline, down their neck to their shoulders.  Keeping his mouth on theirs, he started to guide them toward the bed. 

But the second Jake realized what was happening, they jumped backward with a startled cry.  

“What’s wrong?”  Hamilton asked them, his breath short and feeling like every nerve in his body was singing with electricity.  Surely Jake was feeling this same way?

“I just...I...I’m not…”  Jake was struggling for both words and breath.  Hamilton had never seen them so inarticulate, and felt a little twinge of pride that he was able to have that effect on them.  He pulled himself back, to put a little distance between them and give himself a minute to regroup.

“It’s okay if you’re not ready.”  He told them gently. “I’m sorry if I was rushing you.  It’s just that, almost since the day I met you I have been thinking about this, about us, and now that it’s finally happening I guess I just got carried away.”  He grinned, and was relieved to see Jake smile back at him. 

“I love that you got carried away, trust me,”  Jake told him, and the glint in their eyes was almost enough to make him lose all self control.  He backed away further and sat down in the chair at the desk. “But Hamilton, there are things you still don’t know about me.”  

He shook his head.  “I know you,” he disagreed.  “I feel like I’ve known you forever, maybe even longer.  Anything else we can figure out as we go along. Right?” 

Jake looked down, biting their lip, as if they were actually unsure about him.  He jumped back up and went to them, cradled their head in his hands and looked into their eyes.  

“Hey, I’m not going anywhere.  I promise. I know I ran away from you before, but that’s never going to happen again, okay?”

Jake looked into his eyes for a long time, as if searching for some indication that what he was saying wasn’t true.  Hamilton wondered where the mistrust was coming from. True, he had tried to ignore and even run away from his feelings before, but he was here now.  Surely that counted for something. 

“Come on,” he said finally.  “We’re gonna be late for class.”

  
  


Jake walked with Hamilton out to the shore by the lake, where English class had already started.  They were still full of trepidation about their future conversation with Hamilton, but they were also still riding the high they got from being with him.  They knew they should have told him the truth right then, but damn a kiss that good could make you forget your own name. They were grinning like an idiot when they sat down on the grass behind the other students, and to their delight when they glanced over at Hamilton beside them his grin matched theirs.  

“Nice of you to join us, boys.”  Finn drawled at them, but Jake couldn’t bring themself to care.  They spent all of class daydreaming about Hamilton’s lips, and his eyes, and his hands…

“Jake!”  Finn startled them out of their reverie.  Glancing around, they noticed that class was over and the guys were heading toward the boat to get some training in.  Jake stood up slowly, brushing dead grass off of their pants, when Finn approached them.

“I need to talk to you,”  He told them, and Jake started panicking.  What was this about? Does he know? “You know, as coxswain, it is your job to pull these guys together, make them into a real team, be their motivator.  I need you focused and sharp out there, okay?”

Jake nodded, flooded with relief.  It was just about the team. 

“Also it wouldn’t kill you to make friends with some of them.  Other than Hamilton.” And with a smile that was a little too knowing, Finn followed them out to the boat and began the training session.  

 

Afterwards, Jake told Hamilton what Finn had suggested.  

“You know, most of these guys are actually pretty cool once you get to know them.  You should give them a chance.” Hamilton agreed.

Jake snorted.  It was easy for him to say, everyone liked him.  He obviously had never had trouble fitting in. But in the days that followed, Jake and Hamilton were inseparable, and that meant Jake spent a lot more time out in the common room than they used to.  

It turned out Hamilton and Finn were both right.  Will Krudski was way more down-to-earth than he seemed in English class, where he was constantly explaining to the class his interpretations of their reading material.  And Scout Calhoun, his best friend, had a way of putting everyone at ease. 

The four of them were discussing ways to get Will out of a steep gambling debt, and Jake suggested using their hacking skills to execute some revenge on Ryder, the upperclassman who was harassing him.  Will declined, but accepted Jake’s offer to let him use their laptop until he earned enough to buy his back. 

“I can’t believe you put up your laptop!”  Scout chastised Will.

“Bold move,”  Hamilton told him.

“It was a stupid move,”  Will shook his head. “But I had four kings!”

“And he had a straight flush,”  Scout reminded him. “You should just ask for it back.”

“Yeah, Scout’s right,”  Jake chimed in. “You shouldn’t have to pay, Ryder’s a total jerk-off.”

“Jerk-off or not, I made the bet, I have to pay it.”

Jake had to respect him for his integrity.

“With what?”  Scout wondered.  “You’re not exactly raking it in at the diner.”

They all fell silent for a moment, contemplating the problem.

“Well, I’m starving,”  Hamilton said, giving Jake a glance that told them it wasn’t food on his mind.

“Oh yeah, me too.”  Jake said quickly.

Hamilton turned back to Will.  “If you need to borrow any money, there are a lot of people here with a lot more of it than me,”  He joked, and they all laughed. “But seriously man, I’m happy to help you with whatever you need.”

“Ditto,”  Jake agreed.  

“Thanks guys,”  Will told them as they took their leave.  Jake was feeling the warmth of camaraderie, something they had never known before.  Their decision to go to Rawley Boys’ was turning out to be the best one they had ever made.  

  
  


Hamilton was barely able to wait until Jake had closed their door before he was kissing them urgently.  No matter how much time they spent together, or how many times they made out, it felt like it would never be enough.  Jake kissed him back hungrily, and they toppled backwards onto the bed, laughing in between kisses. But, as usual, once they reached a certain point Jake put the brakes on.  Hamilton would be feeling frustrated if he wasn’t having so much fun just doing what they were doing. He had decided he would wait for Jake to let him know, no matter how long that might take.  If their time alone together was any indication, it was going to be worth the wait.

When he had caught his breath, he grabbed a book off of Jake’s night stand and started flipping through it.  

“Do you think the guys have any idea?”  Jake wondered as they lay next to him.

“No, definitely not.”

“Yeah, you’re right, they have no idea we’re together.”  Jake agreed.

“They’d never think that about  _ me _ ,” Hamilton joked.

“Oh no, not  _ you _ ,”  Jake teased back.  “The tower of testosterone, the monument of masculinity.”  They grinned at him impishly.

“And just what exactly are you implying?”  

“Face it, you are a very pretty guy.”  Jake grinned at him. 

“Oh really?”  Hamilton grinned back, then rolled over on top of Jake and pinned their arms above their head.  “Am I pretty now?”

“Very,”  Jake breathed, all sarcasm gone as Hamilton nibbled their ear.

“And now?”  He whispered, making them shiver.

“Definitely,”  They moaned, and the sound almost sent him over the edge.  He fumbled with the bottom of their shirt, and as usual they stopped him with both hands on his.

He sat up, exhaling loudly, looked up at the ceiling and started counting backwards from one hundred.  

“I’m sorry,”  Jake told him, hugging him tightly around the middle and burying their face in his chest.  

“S’no problem,” he squeaked, and they both erupted into laughter at that.  The laughter helped dispel some of the tension, and when he could trust himself to speak Hamilton finally asked what was on his mind.  “You’d tell me if there was something wrong, right?”

Jake’s eyes filled with anguish, and he instantly regretted it.  “You can tell me anything, you know that.” Hamilton said gently.  Jake nodded, but remained silent. Hamilton hugged them again. He would continue to wait.  


	6. Truth Will Out

Jake sat in an over-sized chair in the empty library, reading.  They were completely absorbed in their book when they felt a hand gently tug their earlobe.  They looked up to see Hamilton walking away from them toward the back of the library. He turned and sent them a wicked grin over his shoulder before disappearing among the aisles.  Jake could hardly jump out of their chair fast enough, and hurried to catch up.

They ran down the aisle trying to figure out where he was hiding when a hand reached out and circled their wrist, pulling them close up against the shelves of books.  

“Hey you,”  Hamilton greeted them with a kiss.

“Hey you,”  Jake returned, kissing him back with ardor.  

“Mm, we have got to find more time to be together,”  Hamilton murmured into their ear.

“Yeah?  Like when?”  Jake asked, clutching the front of his shirt and pulling him closer.

“Like all the time.”  Hamilton answered.

“Ooh, I like the sound of that.”

“I’m on it.”  Hamilton kissed them deeply, and then abruptly broke away and left as quickly as he had arrived, leaving Jake breathless.

  
  


Hamilton was setting his plan in motion, and he smiled to himself as he thought about all of the possibilities.  The first step was the Dean’s office. He knocked, expecting to see his father there, but instead found his mom sorting through a stack of files.  

“Hey, mom.”  He greeted her. 

“Hey, you ready to head home?”  She asked him.

“Yeah, about that.  I was thinking, now that I’m actually attending Rawley Academy, I would like to get the full experience of going to school here.”

“Meaning?"

“I'm thinking about moving in to the dorms.”

“Hamilton, we live five hundred yards away.”  She protested. “You have your own room there. You won’t here.”

“I know that.” He ceded.

“And in a few years, you’ll be gone for good.”  Her forehead crinkled with worry.

Hamilton rolled his eyes.  “Mom, I’ll be going to college, not shipping off to ‘Nam.”

“Right.”  

“I just want to do what everyone else is doing.”

“Every sixteen-year-old in America does not move out of their parents’ house.”

“No, but every kid here does.”  He stared her down until she shook her head, finally relenting.

“Okay, alright.  I’ll talk to your dad.”

“Excellent!”  He gave her a hug.  “Thanks, mom.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I’ll be home later.”

Hamilton bounded down the hallway to the common room, grinning from ear to ear.

“What’s up Ham?”  Will asked him. “You’re freaking me out.”

“I’m moving in!”  He declared, elated.

“What?”  Scout asked.

“Yep, I, my friend, am ditching the parentals and moving into the dorms.”

“So, which room?”  Will wondered. “I mean, who’s moving out?  Is it Ryder?” All the guys cheered this possibility.

“No, no one’s moving out, I’m moving in with Jake.”

Everyone stared.

“You’re moving in?  With Jake?” Will gaped at him.

“Wow, that’s um…”  Scout trailed off.

“Yeah.”  Hamilton nodded.  “What’s the problem?

“I don’t see a problem.”  Will answered quickly.

“Yeah, as long as Jake’s cool with it.”  Scout agreed.

“Exactly.”

“Well I guess I’ll see you guys later,”  Hamilton headed out, already imagining the look on Jake’s face when he told them the news tomorrow.

  
  


Jake was working on their laptop when Hamilton snuck into their room the next morning.  He greeted them with a kiss, then wrapped his strong arms around their shoulders. Jake leaned into him, enjoying the casual affection that came so easily with Hamilton.  

“You know what I think would look great right there?”  He pointed at an empty spot on the wall next to the window.

“What?”  Jake asked.

“My new Third Eye Blind poster.”  He grinned.

“Huh.”  Jake raised their eyebrows.  “You think?”

“Uh huh.”  His smile was smug.  “And over there, my Fender guitar.”  He pointed toward the corner of the room.  Jake was wondering where he was going with this.  “And over here, my stereo, because it totally blows yours away.  And besides, it would be stupid to have two stereos in one room now wouldn’t it?”

“Hamilton, what are you talking about?”  Jake demanded.

“Moving in,” he flopped onto the bed.  “With you.”

“What?!”  Jake spun around to gape at him.

“Us living here together.”  

“Wait, wait wait.  Back up, like, five hundred feet.”

“I okayed it with my mom, she said I could live here in the dorms, with you.”

“Are you crazy.”  It wasn’t a question.

“Why?  It’s the answer to our problems!”

“Or not!”  Jake screeched.  “I mean, were you gonna ask me about this or was I just gonna walk in one day and you were gonna yell ‘surprise!’?  Shouldn’t I have a say in this?”

“I thought you’d be psyched, I thought you wanted to be together!”

“Not  _ living _ together!  I mean, Hamilton, sleeping together?  In the same room? No.” Jake said vehemently.  “No, I’m not ready for that.”

“Well I’m sick of sneaking around!”

“Well then I guess you’d better think of another solution, because I don’t think your posters are gonna match my stuff.”  Jake turned away from him, shaking, until they heard him slam the door behind him when he left.

They hadn’t meant to yell at him, but the idea of him seeing them, of finding out before they told him the truth- it was too much to even contemplate.  They put their head in their hands and squeezed their eyes shut, wondering what to do now.

  
  


The next morning, Hamilton sat on the common room balcony feeling morose.  It had never even occurred to him that Jake wouldn’t want to share a room with him.  He was wondering now if they even felt the same way about him at all. 

“Hey Ham!”  Scout greeted him.

“Hey,”  He mumbled without looking down at them.

“You okay?”  Will asked him.

“What?”  

“You look all depressed.”

“Well I’m not planning to jump, if that’s what you mean.”  He snapped.

“Oh okay, that’s good.”  Scout smiled, trying to cheer him up. “So when are you moving in with Jake?”

“I’m not.”

“Oh.”

“What happened?”  Will wondered.

“My posters didn’t match.”  Hamilton shook his head and went back inside, but not before he heard Scout say something to Will.

“Guess they broke up.”

“That’s too bad.”  Will answered.

Hamilton frowned.  So they had known all along.  Then why exactly had he and Jake been sneaking around?  Had it been his idea, or theirs? He shook his head, overwhelmed by questions.  Scout had said they must be broken up. Were they? His heart constricted in pain at the thought.  He had to fix this, and fast.

  
  


Jake was sitting on the dock, throwing rocks into the lake.  There were people all around, enjoying the weekend, but Jake didn’t see or hear anything except their own thoughts.  They could feel the fear taking over, the desire to run away before anyone got to know the real Jake, like they had run from every school before this one.  

Then they felt a hand on their back, and they exhaled, letting some of the fear go.  Hamilton was here. 

“Hey,” they turned to face him, drinking in the sight of him there next to them.  “I’m so sorry about before-”

“Hey kids!”  An English voice called from behind them.  They looked up to see Ryder approaching, cigarette in hand.  “So nice to see you enjoying a summer romance. Do let me know where you’re registered, I’m so hoping no one’s gotten you a shower curtain for two yet.”  He laughed with his friends. Jake rolled their eyes. If that was supposed to be an insult it fell very short.

But Hamilton had tensed beside them.  He faced Ryder, fists clenched and face red.

“There’s no smoking on school grounds, bud boy.”  He growled.

“Rather an ironic insult, coming from you!”

And Hamilton launched himself at Ryder, landing the first punch before anyone realized what was happening.

“Hamilton, don’t!  He’s so not worth it!”  Jake cried, trying to pull him back.  Hamilton shook them off angrily.

“This isn’t worth it.”  He spat at Jake before turning and running back toward school.

Jake reeled back from his words as if they had been a physical blow.  This is exactly what they had feared would happen. The truth always sent people running.  Jake had been right not to tell him. It was time for them to leave. 

  
  


Hamilton lay on the couch in the common room, wondering how his life had suddenly become ruined.  He knew it was his fault, but couldn’t explain why he had reacted the way he had. He had set out to fix things with Jake, and instead had made them infinitely worse.  What was wrong with him?

“I’m leaving Rawley.”  Jake’s voice came from behind him, and their words sent panic racing through him.  They had their motorcycle jacket slung over their shoulder, and keys in hand. “You’re right, I can’t take this anymore either.  So, you don’t have to worry about sneaking around anymore, or any of it. It’ll all be over.” Their voice was cold and distant.

They strode away down the hall, and Hamilton leapt up to follow.  One word was screaming inside his head-  _ No _ !  They wouldn’t do that, they wouldn’t leave him.  But then he thought about the way he had reacted to Ryder, the things he had said, and realized that yes, they would.  And they would have every reason to, unless he did something right now to make it right.

“You don’t have to do this!”  He called after them. Jake stopped walking but didn’t turn.  “It’s my problem-”

“Yeah,”  They whirled to face him.  “And I’m the cause, so now the problem’s solved.  You know, I can’t take the guilt, and I can’t keep living like this either.”

“Well I’d have a harder time living without you,” Hamilton rushed to close the distance between them.  “I don’t care about my reputation,” He took both of their hands in his. “I don’t want to lose you.” He stared into their eyes, willing them to believe him.  He still saw doubt there, the same doubt that was always just beneath the surface. Would they ever understand the depth of his feelings for them?

“No,”  Jake shook their head.  “You said it yourself, it’s not worth it.”

Hamilton cursed himself for his stupidity.  “Well don’t listen to me, I’m an idiot!” He cried.  And then he saw it, their lips twitched ever so slightly toward a smile at his words.  He knew he still had a chance. 

“Hamilton, I understand-”

“Will you just drop it?”  He took their face in his hands.  “You’re not going anywhere, okay?”  His fingers traced their cheekbones, their lips, as if he could memorize every contour.

“Well, when you put it that way…”  They murmured, and hope surged through him.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to move in with you.  I’m sorry I keep pushing things. I don’t mean to do that, I just...it’s just...I love you.”

Jake’s face lit up with joy at his words, and Hamilton covered their lips with his, trying to express with his actions everything he couldn’t put into words.

  
  


Hamilton hardly stopped kissing them long enough to make it down the hall to their room.  One thought drowned out all other thoughts, fears, and doubts: Hamilton loves them. Nothing else seemed important now.

But when they finally stopped kissing to catch their breath, another thought crept back in.  They had to tell him the truth. No more delays, no more excuses. He deserved that much.

“Hamilton, I have to tell you something.”  Jake told him, and took a deep breath. It was now or never.  They felt sick with fear. What if he stopped loving them? Now that they knew how it felt to be loved by him, they couldn’t stand the thought of losing him.  They just had to trust that he loved them for them, and maybe it wouldn’t matter. “I just need you to promise not to get pissed off.” They pleaded futilely. They knew that if that was his reaction, he wouldn’t be able to hide it, promise or no promise.  

Hamilton sat down on their bed, concerned.  “Jake, what is it? You can tell me.”

“Okay,”  Jake struggled to draw in breath, but couldn’t seem to force their lungs to work.  The words came out all in one exhaled gasp. “The truth is, actually, I’m female.”

Hamilton stared at them, dumbfounded.  “What are you talking about?”

“I’m female,” they repeated, and their legs collapsed under them so that they ended up sitting next to him on the bed.  

“Jake, stop it.”  He was glaring now.  The anger was coming, Jake could feel it.  He stood up and crossed the room, putting some distance between them.  Jake braced themself for the inevitable, and squeezed their eyes shut while they waited for the verbal blow to land, the words that meant that he would be gone forever.

Hamilton paced back and forth, his face hardened as he processed what Jake had told him.  “I can’t believe you’ve been lying to me this entire time!” He finally exploded. Jake didn’t respond yet, they knew he had more to say.  “All this time, I...and you...I thought I was gay. How could you put me through all of that? Why in the world didn’t you tell me?” 

“I’m sorry,”  Jake’s voice broke with emotion.  “I didn’t know how to tell you. I was afraid.”

He was silent for a long time.  “What does this mean? What are we?”  He finally asked Jake, his blue eyes darkened with confusion.  

“I don’t know.”  Jake whispered.

“But if you’re a girl, what are you doing here?  Why go to an all-boys boarding school?”

Jake struggled again to take a deep breath.  “I’m female, but I’m not a girl.” They tried to explain.

Hamilton frowned deeply.  “What the hell does that mean?  Are you saying that...are you trans?”

“No, I don’t think I’m trans.”

“You mean you don’t  _ know _ ?”  Hamilton’s voice was getting shrill.

“It’s not all black and white for me, Hamilton!”  Jake cried, their frustration overcoming them. How could they possibly explain something that they didn’t even fully understand themself yet?  “All I know is that I’m not a girl, and being here at Rawley, and being with you, it’s the first time I’ve ever felt like  _ me _ .  I know it doesn’t make sense to you, but I promise, when I’m with you, I am myself.  That part was never a lie.” Their eyes begged him to understand.

  
  


Hamilton’s mind was a hurricane of conflicting thoughts and emotions.  He couldn’t make sense of any of it, and wanted it all to just stop. But then Jake asked him a question.

“So you think I’m like, some kind of freak?”  Their eyes were downcast and they wrung their hands anxiously.

The question stopped him short.  He searched his feelings, and knew that he could never think that about Jake, no matter what.  “No, not at all.” He reassured them.

“So, is there any chance...any possibility that you still like me?”

Hamilton had never seen them look so vulnerable, and his anger dissipated instantly.  “Of course I still like you! I’m just confused, you know? About who you are, about what we are.”  He sat back down next to them. “Look, Jake. I meant what I said before. I love you. I’m in love with you, and you’re my best friend, okay?  So just, give me a chance to adjust.”

Jake’s face crumpled in relief, and they took a huge breath in.  Hamilton pulled them close to him and held them until they stopped trembling.  He still wasn’t able to fully process everything that had happened, he figured that part would come later.  But what he knew in that moment was that he knew Jake, and in spite of everything that fact had not changed.

He wondered, if he had found out sooner, would he still feel this way?  He didn’t know the answer, but he was starting to think that maybe Jake had been right to wait until they were sure of his feelings for them.  When he had thought they were leaving, that he’d never see them again- it was the worst feeling he had ever experienced. Next to that, he felt like he could handle anything else.  Now that he knew that he loved Jake, he didn’t think there was anything about them that he wouldn’t love. He hated that he had been lied to, but he thought he understood why they had done it.

“Hey Hamilton?”  Jake said quietly.

“Yeah Jake?”

“I just have one more thing to tell you.”  

Hamilton tensed.  He was wrung out, he didn’t think he could take even one more revelation.  “There’s more?” He asked warily.

Jake leaned back so they could look into his eyes.  “I love you too.”


	7. Dressed Out

“‘I was astonished to see him in Baghdad, for I had an appointment with him tonight in Samarra.’”  Hamilton finished reading the short story aloud. “Wow, that was intense.” He remarked. 

“Yes it is.”  Finn agreed. “What do you make of it?” 

“The guy thought he could outrun Death by running off to Samarra, but he learned that death is not one of those things you can escape.”

“Nice summary, but what’s it really about?”  Finn prompted.

“Destiny.”  Will declared.  “Life is predetermined.  Nothing you can do will alter your fate.”

“You believe that?” 

“Sometimes.” 

“I’d like not to.”  Scout added.

“Why’s that?”  Finn asked him.

“Because I’d rather have control over my own life!”

“Yes, wouldn’t we all.  But you might want to take that up with Buddha, or Ghandi, or the Dalai Lama or any number of Eastern religious icons.”  Finn grinned at them.

“But aren’t there certain things you can’t change?”  Jake wondered.

“Well that’s because we often don’t know how to change things.”  Scout suggested.

“Or how to deal with them.”  Will added.

“Let’s explore this.”  Finn told them. “What are some things you can’t change?”

“Who you are.”  Jake answered immediately.

“Okay, what else?”

“Personality.”  Hamilton said.

“Questionable,”  Jake smirked at him.

“Your parents.”  Scout lamented, and everyone voiced their agreement.

“That you certainly can’t change.”  Finn agreed, and ended the lesson.

  
  


After that, Jake couldn’t seem to stop thinking about their mom.  It had been a long time since they spoke, and while Jake usually preferred it that way, every now and then that deep ache, that longing for family, would sneak up on them.  So when they got back to their dorm, they picked up their cell phone and dialed their home number.

“Hey Consuela!  It’s Jake-um, Jacqueline.  Is mom there? Oh she left again.  Hollywood, wow. No, no, I’m glad the role came through.  Oh yeah, I’m sure she meant to call and tell me. It happens.  Right. Yeah, I will. I miss you too, Consuela. Bye.” 

Jake wasn’t surprised.  Their mom was always travelling, seeking her next big role on the stage.  But since she wasn’t available, they sat down at their desk to write her a letter.

_ Hey mom, just a note to say I’m here at Rawley, and I’m okay.  I miss you, and guess what? I think I’m finally fitting in. So I guess that’s all.  I’ll see you when I see you. Love, Jacqueline.  _ They frowned down at the page, then with a rush of defiance erased the last line and replaced it with  _ Love, Jake. _

Smiling, they dropped the letter in the mailbox before they could change their mind.  They would see what she made of that, if anything. 

As the end of the summer session was drawing near, everyone was gearing up for the rowing Regatta.  It was a huge event at Rawley, and the crew spent all of their spare time training. Jake was proud to say that they had grown into their role as coxswain, and the team listened and responded to their coaching.  Never in their life had they been a part of something, an integral part, and the feeling was indescribable. 

When the last week of school arrived spirits were high, especially for Jake.  They were finally living authentically, and with Hamilton by their side they felt like anything was possible.

Then they got a response email from their mom and flew into a panic.  After racing at top speed down the stairs to the common room, they flopped onto the couch next to Hamilton and tried to catch their breath.

“What’s wrong?”  He asked them.

“My mom’s coming.” 

“Here?  Oh my god.”

“She takes five minutes away from the stage to come see me?  Now?” Jake was hyperventilating.

“Okay okay just calm down.”

“She thinks I go to Rawley Girls.  If she finds out the truth, she’ll flip!”

“Jake, if you get caught, you’ll get booted, and then I’ll never see you again.”  Hamilton’s face darkened with despair. 

“What are we gonna do?”

“You’re gonna have to talk to her.  You know, make her understand. Maybe she’ll be okay with it.”

“You don’t know my mom.”

‘No, I don’t, but I know you.  If she loves you, she wants what’s best for you.”

“That’s a pretty big gamble.”

“Well, maybe she won’t notice.” 

Jake gaped at him, then reached up and tugged at their short hair.  “She’s self-centered, she’s not blind!”

They stared at each other for a long moment, both at a loss.

“Maybe I can just pretend I go to Rawley Girls?”

“You think you could?”  Hamilton sounded skeptical.

“I’ve done it before, believe me I’ve had a lot of practice.”

“Well, if that’s really what you want to do…”

“Oh my god, I have to go shave my legs!”  And with that, Jake ran back upstairs.

  
  


Hamilton frowned as Jake raced out of the common room.  He would never admit it out loud, but he was still struggling with the bomb Jake had dropped on him.  He had spent so much time and emotional turmoil coming to terms with being gay, and now he wasn’t even sure if that’s what he was.  And did it even matter? So many questions were constantly swirling around in his head, he was finding it hard to concentrate on anything else.  His grades were slipping, and his parents were bound to notice soon. He shook his head, trying again to clear it and focus on studying for finals.

That afternoon, Jake lured him out of his study stupor with the promise of a ride on their motorcycle.  His mood lifted considerably at the prospect, and he was grinning and joking with Jake as they headed out toward the secret spot that concealed the bike.  They had just wheeled it out of hiding when Ryder appeared, leaning against a tree and taking a slow drag from his cigarette.

“I didn’t know Batgirl had a sidekick!” He crowed, and Hamilton glared at him.

“Puff away, cancer boy.”  He warned, hoping his meaning was clear.  They could get into serious trouble for the bike, but so could Ryder for smoking.  

Ryder strode toward them defiantly, and flicked his cigarette ash right into Hamilton’s face.  Hamilton’s arm twitched- he wanted so badly to punch him again- but Jake held him steady.

“You know, Ham.”  Ryder drawled. “The back seat of the bike,”  He patted the leather seat for emphasis as he walked past them, “it’s called the ‘bitch pad’.”

“I guess that’s why you’re mother should be sitting on it!”  Hamilton retorted to Ryder’s retreating form. Ryder didn’t look back, and Hamilton ground his teeth.  All they could do now was hope he wouldn’t turn them in.

Jake was shaking their head, a typical sardonic smile on their face.  They pulled their helmet on and straddled the bike, patting the seat behind them much like Ryder just had.

“Come on, Batgirl.”  They grinned at him.

Hamilton tried not to smile and failed.  “Funny,” He rolled his eyes and then sat astride the ‘bitch pad’ behind Jake.  As he wrapped his arms around them, he thought it wasn’t such a bad place to be.

  
  


Jake drove into town, enjoying the wind and sun on their face and the feel of Hamilton’s arms around their waist.  Having him with them helped ease a bit of the panic that had been overwhelming them since they had seen the email from their mom.  They parked at the one department store in town and headed inside.

The temporary relief from the panic disappeared when Jake looked around at all of the clothes on racks and displayed on mannequins.  Unpleasant memories bombarded them, and they had trouble catching their breath. But they saw an outfit they knew their mom would approve of and grabbed it hurriedly off the hanger.  They waited, hiding behind a pillar of mirrors, until they saw the saleslady walk over to help another customer. Once she was out of sight, Jake grabbed Hamilton’s hand and pulled him into the dressing room.  

“Jake!”  Hamilton protested, looking around wildly to see if anyone had seen him go in.  “I don’t think-”

“Shh!”  Jake pressed their hand over his mouth.  “I need your help. Please.” Their dark eyes pleaded with him and he relented.  They closed themselves into the extra-large changing room. “Just sit here, and close your eyes.”  Jake instructed him.

Jake kept a close eye on Hamilton while they removed their shoes, jeans, and T-shirt.  He never peeked. Jake took off their chest binder and pulled on the pale pink spaghetti-strap dress they had chosen.  When they turned around and looked into the full-length mirror, they felt nausea rise up within them. It was so much worse than they remembered.  Now that they knew how it felt to be comfortable in their clothes, going back to this felt more wrong than ever before. The memories invaded their mind again.  

They had grown tired of constantly being a source of contention between their mom and her husband, so they had finally given in.  They let their thick wavy hair grow out to an obscene length, they wore make-up every day and they let their mom dress them in every hideous pastel and floral dress she wanted them to wear.  They went to prep school with all of their mother’s friends’ daughters, and listened to them chatter about boys and clothes and T.V. shows. None of them were interested in computers or motorcycles, and they all knew something was different about Jake.  Jake was ostracized and ridiculed, and when they’d had enough they would beg to be transferred to another school where it would start all over again.

Until now.  They took a deep breath, looking at the reflection of Hamilton sitting on the bench behind them.

“Okay, you can open your eyes now.”  Their heart pounded with trepidation.  What if he didn’t like what he saw? In spite of being fully dressed, they had never felt more naked.

Hamilton peeked one blue eye through the fingers of his hand, then his hand fell away in astonishment.

“What?”  Jake examined their reflection, trying to calm their breathing.  “What’s wrong with it?”

Hamilton rose to stand behind them, gingerly tracing his fingers along the skin of their shoulders.  “Absolutely nothing.” He whispered, and Jake shivered. “It looks beautiful on you. You are beautiful.  But-”

“I knew it!”  Jake cried.

“Let me finish!”  Hamilton implored them and Jake nodded, swallowing nervously.  “It looks beautiful on you, but it doesn’t look like you.” He shook his head in frustration.  “I’m not saying this right.”

“No,” Jake disagreed with a small smile.  “You’re saying it perfectly.” They turned so they were face to face and looked deep into his eyes.  They still saw love there, and longing, and yes, desire, but it wasn’t some new frightening desire brought on by the new clothes.  It was still just Hamilton, the way he had always looked at them. They kissed him fiercely then, as if they could encapsulate the feeling he gave them and keep it forever.  

 

Hamilton couldn’t take his eyes off of Jake.  Not because of the dress, he had realized that right away.  It was because this was the first time he could feel their skin against his, memorize the contours of their shoulder blades or the way their arms were lightly toned from a summer spent steering a sweep.  As his fingers traced over their rounded shoulders and down their arms, it felt like fire was dancing between his skin and theirs. 

When Jake kissed him now, all of their former hesitance seemed to have disappeared. Now their fervor matched his own, and he kissed them back hungrily.  His lips found their jaw, their neck, their collarbone, finding their own way along the lines of Jake’s body. His hands found the small of their back, their hip bones, their waist, and he pulled them tightly against him.  

Jake’s breath came in short little gasps, spurring his desire until they whispered in his ear.  

“Not here,” they told him, and their voice held the promise of soon.  After one last long kiss, he let them go and sat back down on the bench, breathing hard.  He caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror, and his expression was so identical to the one on Jake’s face that he burst out laughing.  Jake laughed with him until there were tears in their eyes. 

“All right,”  Jake told him when they found their voice again.  “Close your eyes again.” Hamilton obeyed happily, his mind reliving the feel of Jake while he waited.

“I had a dress like this when I was six.”  Jake grumbled while they changed. “My mom had it sent to me from Paris.  She was there doing  _ Cats _ for six months on a European tour.  By the time she got back, I had shredded it and chopped off all my hair.”

“So what is it with your mom?”  Hamilton asked. “Why go to all this trouble trying to placate her now?”

“She wants me to be someone I’m not.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to do it.”

“Sometimes it’s just easier that way.”

“Oh come on, you are miserable in that dress.  You can’t tell me that’s easier for you.”

“No, you’re right.  But it makes life easier.”

“I think you should just be yourself.”

“Hamilton, I’ve been down that road.  She doesn’t want to see me for who I am.”

“Maybe you haven’t really given her the chance to.”

“And you think now is the time to start?”

“Why not?  School’s almost over.”

“And if she flips out and won’t let me come back in the fall?”

Hamilton frowned.  Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea.  

“Come on,” Jake sighed, taking his hand and pulling him up.  “I’m starving, let’s go get something to eat.”

They paid for the dress and headed back out to the parking lot.

“I think that diner where Will and Scout work is around here somewhere,”  Jake suggested. 

“Sounds good,”  Hamilton straddled the bike before Jake could get on.

“And just what do you think you’re doing?”  Jake crossed their arms in mock sternness.

“Hop on, baby.”  He patted the seat behind him much like Jake had done when they first set out.

“But you don’t even know where we’re going.”  Jake protested.

“Well then I guess you’ll just have to guide me.”  Hamilton grinned.

The double entendre sent a shiver down Jake’s spine as they climbed onto the bitch pad behind Hamilton.  It was worth it when they saw the look of pure joy on Hamilton’s face as he drove the motorcycle a little too fast through the streets of New Rawley until they arrived at Friendly’s Diner.  

“It’s gotta be Hilary.”  Scout was telling Will as they cleared empty glasses from the bar.

“Clinton?”  Jake asked, taking a seat on a bar stool next to Hamilton.

“Swank.”  Will clarified.

“Oh of course.”  Hamilton said, with a sidelong glance at Jake.  “Hot.”

“See, I told you!”  Scout grinned triumphantly at Will.

A cute blonde girl entered the diner and joined them.  “Oh my god, did you guys see the gorgeous Harley sitting out front?”  She cried.

“No!”  Hamilton and Jake answered a little too quickly and in unison.

“Hey Bella,”  Scout greeted her warmly.  “These are a couple more Rawley guys.   _ Nice _ ones.  Jake and Hamilton.”

“Nice to meet you Bella.”  Hamilton smiled at her. 

“So what have you guys been up to today?”  Bella asked.

“Not much.”  Jake answered, unable to keep their lips from twitching as they tried not to grin conspiratorially at Hamilton.

“The usual.”  Will answered at the same time as Jake, and everyone busted up laughing.

“Yeah, I’d say that just about covers it.”  Scout was looking at Bella as if they were sharing a private joke, and Will elbowed him in the ribs.  

“What?”  Hamilton asked them, looking back and forth between Will and Scout.

“Nothing!”  They all answered together, and broke down laughing until their sides hurt.


	8. Me, Myself, and I

Jake spent the rest of the week helping Hamilton with his finals.  It was a welcome distraction from worrying about their mother’s visit.  Finally the last Friday of school arrived, and after their English final that morning they both felt elated to have school behind them.  But without something to concentrate on, Jake’s panic about seeing their mother that afternoon increased tenfold. 

Hamilton had snuck into the garage the night before and acquired the keys to the school’s motorboat.  He led Jake down to the marina. No one questioned that the dean’s son would have access to the boat, and they climbed in without hindrance.

“From motorcycle repossession to grand theft boating,” Hamilton joked.  “We really are juvenile delinquents.” He grinned at Jake, who smiled back half-heartedly.  They were too nervous to get into the spirit of the adventure. As the shore fell away behind them, Hamilton pushed the boat a little faster across the lake toward Rawley Girls’ Academy.  In the back of the boat, Jake started changing into the dress they had bought for the occasion. 

The girls’ school was a mirror image of the building Jake had been calling home all summer, and the two of them waited in the shade of the main building’s entrance until they saw a shiny red convertible pull up in front of them.  Jake wrung their hands as they watched their mother park the car and get out, cell phone held up to her ear as usual. 

“I haven’t even read the script yet!”  Monica was saying. “I’ll be in New York Sunday night, we can talk about it then.”  She saw Jake and a huge smile broke out over her face. She disconnected the call and hurried over to them.  They hugged, and then her cell phone rang again. “Don’t tell me I’m too old to play Dorothy!” She exclaimed into the phone.  “Diana Ross was like fifty when they made  _ The Wiz _ .”  She snapped her phone shut and then looked back at Jake with appraising eyes.  “Your hair!” she cried. “It’s so short!”

“Yeah, well, it was getting in the way of...my life.”  Jake replied. Their mom looked them up and down.

“What?”  Jake’s face fell.

“Nothing!”  She replied hurriedly.  “I just didn’t realize how much I’d missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too.”  Jake hugged her again. Maybe Hamilton was right, maybe it was time to tell her the truth.

“Missed this, missed us.”  Their mom squeezed them tightly and Jake melted into her.  This is what they had been craving their whole life, they just wished they didn’t have to pretend to be someone else to get it.  “Well, now, who’s this?”

Hamilton stepped forward out of the shade and introduced himself.  “Hi, welcome.” He shook her hand. “I’m Hamilton Fleming, Dean Fleming’s son.  I’m here to personally escort you on a tour of the grounds.”

“That sounds great.”  She beamed at him. “But first, direct me to the ladies’ room.”  She hooked her arm through Hamilton’s. “I need some lips and eyes.”  She glanced at Jake. “You might want to freshen your lipstick as well, honey.  So, Hamilton, tell me about the student body.” They started walking and Jake watched them for a moment, feeling forgotten.  They were beginning to remember why they tried not to spend much time with their mother. 

  
  


Hamilton concluded their tour of the grounds and walked Monica back to her car.  Jake was still lagging behind them. He still didn’t fully understand Jake’s reticence.  Their mom seemed perfectly nice to him. 

“Thank you again.”  She said as her phone buzzed once again in her pocket.  To her credit, she had only answered some of the calls she had received during their tour.

“No problem,” he answered.  “It was very nice to meet you Mrs-”

“Monica,” she insisted.

“Monica,” he repeated.  

“It was nice to meet you too.  And, Hamilton, don’t forget if you send me some of your photos I’d be happy to pass them along to Peter Beard when I see him in New York.  It’s great that you have an artistic outlet that you’re passionate about. And good at. I always tell Jacqueline that but-”

“Yeah it’s easy for you to say, you master everything you do.”  Jake snapped at her, then turned to Hamilton. “She played Lady MacBeth in three different languages.”

Monica shrugged.  “Well, Hamilton, if you don’t have any plans tomorrow why don’t you come with Jacqueline and me to the Rawley Girls’ luncheon tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?”  Jake and Hamilton asked in unison.

“At noon.”  Monica answered, looking back and forth between them in confusion.

“Actually I have the first heat of the regatta tomorrow.”  Hamilton gave Jake a significant look. “At the exact same time.”

“Oh, god.”  Jake groaned.  There was no way they were going to miss the regatta tomorrow, the team needed them.  But how could they possibly explain that to their mom?

“You know, Mom, noon is such a weird time to eat, why don’t we do it at like two or three?”

“It’s a planned event!”  She protested.

“Well, it’s just that...I promised Hamilton I’d watch him race tomorrow.”  Jake insisted. Hamilton rolled his eyes at the lie. 

“Oh,”  Monica brightened.  “That’s perfect, I’ll sit with you.  And I promise,” her phone buzzed insistently as she pulled it out of her pocket.  “Tomorrow, I’m all yours.” She held up her phone to demonstrate. Jake doubted that she’d actually turn it off tomorrow, but the prospect of uninterrupted time was tempting for sure.  There had to be a way to work this out. 

“Okay then, meet me for coffee before the regatta.”  Jake suggested. 

“Sounds good,” she kissed them on the cheek before getting into her car and answering her phone.  

“Bye Mom,”  Jake shook their head as they watched her drive away talking into her phone animatedly.  When she was gone they looked over at Hamilton. “What are we going to do?”

  
  


Jake was up early on Saturday morning.  They couldn’t sleep anymore and still had no idea how they were going to manage today.  The thought of their mom being in the same place with them and all of their friends filled them with terror.  Depending on what they decided, either their friends would see them dressed up as a girl, or their mom would see them dressed like a boy.  They felt tears of frustration prick their eyes. Why couldn’t they ever just be Jake dressed as themself?

They snuck out of the dorms with a backpack full of clothing options, thinking they would use the ride into town to decide what they were going to do.  But when they headed around the back of the school toward their bike, they stopped in their tracks. Their mom was already there, and she was talking to Hamilton.  They tried to duck back around the corner of the building, but they were too late. 

“Jacqueline!”  They heard her call.  Jake was in full panic mode, trying to remember how they looked when they left their room this morning.  They hadn’t expected to see anyone this early, so they were just wearing shorts and a tank top. No binder, and no makeup. So they guessed they fell somewhere in the middle between boy and girl.  Head down, they trudged down the lawn toward their mom and Hamilton.

“I was early to pick you up and decided to pick up those photographs from Hamilton.”  Monica told them, tight-lipped. Hamilton mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ behind her, and Jake acknowledged him with a wry smile.  They should have expected this. “I think you and I need to talk.” She said sternly, steering Jake by the elbow toward the parking lot.  Jake threw Hamilton a little wave over their shoulder as they left. 

Jake got into the passenger seat of the convertible and slouched down, hoping no one would see them.  Monica got behind the wheel and turned toward them. “Are you sleeping with him?” She demanded.

Her question was so out-of-the-blue that Jake burst out laughing.

“This isn’t funny Jacqueline, I’m serious.  Are you being safe?”

“I’m not having sex!”  Jake sputtered.

“Why would you lie to me?  I just saw you sneaking out of his dorm room!”  She looked down into Jake’s bag. “Mmhmm. Yesterday’s clothes.  You can talk to me about this, you know.”

“Yeah right.”  Jake mumbled.

“Just tell me the truth.  Please.” Her face was so open as she pleaded with them that Jake felt their resolve crumble.  They took a deep breath.

“I wasn’t sneaking out of Hamilton’s dorm.  He lives in the Dean’s house with his parents.  The room I was sneaking out of is mine.” They held their breath, waiting for her reaction.

“You’re trying to tell me they let a girl live in the boys’ dorm?”  Monica scoffed. “Wow, believe me I used a lot of excuses during my time in school too, but that one definitely tops them all!”

“I live in the boys’ dorm because I go to Rawley Boys’, not Rawley Girls’.”

Monica gaped at them.  “Is this some kind of joke?  Some ploy for attention? I thought you had grown out of all of that nonsense.”

Jake bristled and opened their mouth with an angry retort, but as usual Monica’s phone rang.  To Jake’s astonishment she pulled it out of her purse to answer it.

“Mom, you promised!”  Jake cried.

“I’ll just be a minute,”  Monica flipped open the phone.  “Bonjour Rolfe! Oui.”

Jake got out of the car and slammed the door behind them.  

  
  


Hamilton paced the lawn in front of his house.  He had no idea what Jake and their mom were talking about.  He hoped they had decided to tell her the truth. He still believed that Jake would feel better if they could just be honest.  Then he saw Jake storming back toward the dorms and rushed to follow them.

He got to Jake’s room a few minutes after them and burst in without knocking.  “What happened?”

“I did it.  I told her the truth.  Tried to anyway.” Jake’s voice broke with emotion and tears streamed silently down their cheeks.

Hamilton pulled them close and wrapped his arms around them.  They relaxed into him, shoulders shaking with sobs.

“I’m so sorry.”  He murmured, wishing he knew what to do.  After a few minutes Jake pulled away, wiping their eyes.

“I knew she wouldn’t get it.  I never expected her to. But I thought maybe should would at least listen.”  They laughed bitterly. “I don’t know why I thought that, she never has before.”

“You needed to tell her, for you.  The rest is on her.”

“At least it’s over with.”  Jake laughed again, sounding relieved this time.  “Did you know, she thought we were sleeping together and that’s why I was over here in the dorms?”

Hamilton laughed with them, and Jake noticed that familiar glint in his eyes.  Hamilton gazed at Jake thinking they had never looked more alluring. Today they were just Jake, no pretense, no elaborate cover-up.  

“Well,” he told them.  “Now that you’ve already done the time, maybe we should do the crime.”  He grinned suggestively, holding onto Jake’s hips and tracing the top of their shorts with his thumbs.  

“You think so, huh?”  Jake grinned back. They pressed themself against him and kissed him slowly, tenderly.  Their hands wove into his hair, tugging gently as their lips moved faster. Hamilton clutched the back of Jake’s shirt, hitching it up to feel the soft skin at the small of their back.  Jake gasped at the contact, breaking their kiss. They stepped back for a moment, dark eyes filled with desire as well as trepidation.

“I’ve never done this before.”  Jake admitted quietly.

“Neither have I,” Hamilton told them.  Then, hesitantly, Jake reached for Hamilton’s shirt and slipped their hands underneath.  Their palms traced the smooth plane of his stomach, over his defined hip flexors and up to his chest muscles.  Hamilton stood still, eyes closed and breath quickening as Jake lifted his shirt up over his head and dropped it onto the floor.  

When he opened his eyes, Jake was looking into them, still searching, always questioning.  He ran his hands along their jaw, down their neck, over their shoulders and then grasped their hands in his.  He met their gaze without hesitation, hoping to convey without words what he knew with certainty. He wanted Jake, all of them, body and soul, and he would never hurt them.  They finally seemed to believe him, to trust, and with a nod they go of their fear. 

Hamilton’s elation moved him forward, closing the distance between them.  They fell onto the bed, kissing, touching, exploring, taking their time. And then, to Hamilton’s utter disbelief and vexation, there came a loud knocking on Jake’s door.

“Hey Coxie!”  A voice called out the team’s nickname for Jake.  “Come on, let’s do this!” They pounded the door again, and Hamilton heard the sound of many feet running down the hall.

“The regatta!”  Jake gasped, clapping a hand to their forehead.  They stared at each other for a long moment, catching their breath as mixed emotions flooded them.

“We have to go.”  Hamilton fell back against the pillow.  

“We have to go.”  Jake agreed, and they were looking at him with such an expression of comical indecision that Hamilton had to laugh.

“And we’ll continue this later?”  He asked, kissing them lightly before standing to grab his shirt.

“Oh definitely.”  Jake nodded. “You know what they say about practice?”

“That it makes perfect?”

“So we’ll just have to keep practicing won’t we?”  Jake arched an eyebrow at him suggestively and it was all Hamilton could do to put his shirt back on and walk toward the door.

“It is wise to practice before attempting any athletic endeavor.”  Hamilton grinned, then headed out the door before all his willpower deserted him.

  
  


Jake sat for a moment to collect themself before zipping their binder on over their tank top, pulling on sweatpants and their Rawley hoodie and jogging out the door toward the lake.  They were still out of breath when they joined the guys on the dock, and not just from running.

“Gentlemen,” Finn addressed them.  “There is an obstacle to winning here today, and it’s you.”  They all started grumbling in protest but he ignored them. “Each one of you possesses not only the ability to win, but also the ability to keep yourselves from achieving that victory.  Yes, this race is important. But not to prove that we’re better than St. Joseph’s- though we are- but rather to prove that each one of you is better than the personal obstacles that stand in front of you.  It’s a tall order. But understand that, and you won’t just be winners in today’s race.” He took a moment to look each one of them in the eye. “Now let’s go win!”

Everyone cheered as they headed into the sweep and took their places.  Finn wouldn’t be coaching them from another boat, it was all on Jake to lead them now.  They settled into their seat at the stern and tried to calm their breathing. They pushed off from the dock, and Jake steered them into the starting position.  A hush fell over the spectators, and all Jake could hear was the lapping of the water against the hull before the whistle sounded loud in their ears.

They skimmed across the water like it wasn’t even there, eight pairs of arms working in unison as Jake called out the cadence to keep them in time.  They could feel the complete trust the team placed in them as they held the shell steady on course. They kept mostly level with St. Joseph’s, sometimes gaining and sometimes falling back.  Jake held them there, waiting for that indefinable moment to make their move. Just when it seemed like the other boat was leaving them behind, Jake called for more speed. It was risky to wait so long, but Jake knew these guys had enough steam left to finish strong.  

The crew dug their heels in and upped the tempo, keeping in time with Jake’s increased cadence.  Their faces showed the strain their muscles were feeling, but no one gave up. Sure enough, they pulled up alongside St. Joseph’s, then out ahead of them, and finally crossed the finish line almost a boat-length in front.  The crowd cheered wildly, and the crew raised their arms in triumph as they glided to a stop on the far shore. 

Jake felt the exhilaration of the win wash through them as they disembarked with the crew.  The team surrounded them, triumphantly chanting “Coxie, coxie!” as they all high-fived Jake and congratulated each other.  Jake was grinning from ear to ear as they stood front and center holding the trophy for the team photo. They felt Hamilton’s hand on their shoulder as he stood behind them, and Jake thought that life probably didn’t get much better than this.

But their smile faltered when they saw their mom sitting in the stands with the other parents, watching Jake with an inscrutable look on her face.  Jake waved goodbye to the team and headed reluctantly over to talk to her. 

“You saw?”  They asked.

“I saw.”  Monica answered.  “Congratulations on your win.”  The words were hollow and didn’t do much to cover her dejection.

“I’m really sorry that I didn’t tell you.”  Jake apologized. 

“Look, we have a history of you not telling me what’s going on in your life.”

“Mom-”

“Let me finish, please.”  She took a breath and squared her shoulders.  “I realize that I am not always the most accessible.  I want to change that. I want us to spend some time together in New York, before you have to start school again.  We need to...get to know each other.”

Jake’s smile lit their face with happiness.  “I would love that! But what about Steven?”

“We’re separated.”  Monica looked down at the ground.  “It will just be you and me.”

Jake threw their arms around her.  “That sounds amazing.”

They embraced for a long moment, then Monica held Jake at arm’s length and looked them over.  “I really do like your haircut. It’s fresh.” She smiled. “But you’re such a pretty girl and these baggy clothes-”

“I’m not a girl, Mom.”  Jake interrupted her. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you my whole life!”

“Okay, okay.  It’s time for me to listen, and I will.  Can you just be a little patient with me?”

“Yeah,”  Jake answered, a small smile coming back.  “I can do that.”

“I can see it now.”  Monica continued, still appraising.  “You’re different.”

“I’m not different,”  Jake disagreed. “I’m just finally...myself.”  They gestured to their clothes and to the rowing team still carousing on the dock.  “This is who I’ve always been. I was just acting before, trying to make things easier.”

Monica nodded.  “What I mean is...you’re happy.  Whatever you’re doing, it’s working.  Keep it up.”

Jake’s huge smile returned.  They couldn’t believe their mom was finally starting to get it, and even more, actually wanted to spend the rest of the summer with them.  They hugged her again, and when she pulled away this time Jake noticed her eyes were teary.

“Well,” she said, taking a deep breath.  “I guess I’ll be seeing you tomorrow for dinner?”

“Yes,” Jake agreed.  “You will.” They walked her to her car and watched her drive away, still smiling.  It was only when she was out of sight that Jake realized they would be leaving tomorrow, and tonight would be their last night with Hamilton.


	9. The End

Jake’s feet were heavy as lead when they made their way back to the dock and Hamilton.  How had this moment snuck up on them? They weren’t ready to say good-bye, not yet. They changed trajectory, heading instead to pull their bike out of hiding.  They needed the open road and some distance to think.

The motorcycle was low on fuel as they drove into town, so Jake pulled off at the first gas station they came to.  To their surprise, Bella, the girl they had met at the diner the other night, came out of the shop to greet them as they pulled up.

“Hey Jake,”  she smiled.

“Hi.”  They answered cautiously.  They knew Bella was friends with Scout and Will, and even though school was technically over Jake didn’t want to risk getting into trouble and hurting their chances of coming back in the fall.

“Nice bike,” Bella told them appreciatively.

“Thanks,”  Jake tensed.  “I’m not really supposed to have it at school so...don’t tell anyone?”

“My lips are sealed.”  She promised. “Must be cool, being the only guy on campus with a motorcycle.”

Something about the way she said ‘guy’ made Jake’s head snap up and scrutinize her face.  She was smirking at them, not maliciously, but in a way that made Jake nervous.

“Uh, yeah.  It has its perks.”  Jake answered carefully, now on high alert.  In the back of their mind, they were thinking about one perk in particular.  Hamilton had first spoken to them about their motorcycle, the first day of school.  Had it been fate? Or as Will would say, Destiny? They shook their head to clear it.  Thinking of Hamilton was too painful at the moment.

“So where’s Hamilton?”  Bella asked, as if she could read their mind.

“How should I know?”  Jake snapped, and immediately felt bad when they saw the hurt look on Bella’s face.  “I’m sorry.”

“Sore subject?”

“Not really.  It’s just that, I’m leaving tomorrow and…”  their voice broke at the mention of leaving Hamilton the next day.

“And you guys are totally in love?”  Bella grinned.

Jake tried, but they couldn’t keep the smile from their face.  

“You are!”  Bella laughed.

“Yeah, pretty much.”  They admitted, fully grinning now.  It felt so good to say it out loud.

“You wanna come inside for a coke?”  Bella asked.

“Okay.”  Jake took a deep breath, realizing that they wanted to trust Bella at the same time they realized just how much they needed to talk to someone about all of this.

 

“Wow,”  Bella breathed when Jake finished recounting the whole story from the beginning.  “You know, the first time I saw you I thought, ‘why is this beautiful girl dressing like a guy?’  Guess I was wrong on both counts.” They grinned at each other. “And now your mom finally wants to hang out with you just when you landed yourself a cute guy who also wants to hang out with you.”

“What am I going to tell him?”  Jake groaned. “He’s been there for me through all of this and now I’m just going to take off?  I don’t even know if I’m coming back in the fall.”

“True.  But if my mom truly and honestly wanted to get to know me, I’d be tempted to drop everything too.”

“Your mom’s gone all the time too?  Have you ever confronted her, told her how you feel?”

“Actually, I um...I haven’t seen my mom in ten years.”

“Yikes,”  Jake comisserated.  They fell silent for a moment.  “Thank you so much for listening to me today Bella, you have no idea.”

Bella nodded, smiling sadly now.

“And if you ever want to talk, please call me.”  They wrote down their number for her.

“Yeah, I will.”

“Good.”  Jake stood up and grabbed their helmet.  “Well, wish me luck.”

“Good luck!”

Jack felt much lighter as they drove back to school.  Talking with Bella had been exactly what they needed. They were so glad to have met her, to have someone to talk to who shared their interests and understood what they were going through.  They hoped that someday they would be able to return the favor. 

  
  


Hamilton had just finished showering and getting dressed for the team celebration when he saw Jake drive their bike around behind the school.  He smoothed his polo shirt over his khakis and headed over to their hiding spot to meet them. When he got there, they were leaning against their bike, staring off into the distance lost in thought.  He took a moment to just appreciate their long legs, lean muscles and angular features. They hadn’t seen him yet, so he snapped a couple pictures of them, smiling to himself. But it wasn’t long before they noticed him and a huge smile lit their face.

It filled him with joy to see that he affected them so, and he rushed forward to throw his arms around them and swing them around.  Jake laughed, demanding half-heartedly to be put down. 

“I missed you this afternoon,” he told them after kissing them soundly.

“Ah, I just needed to drive around for a while.”  Jake explained.

“Your mom on her way home?”

Jake nodded but didn’t elaborate, and Hamilton decided not to press it.  They would tell him what happened if they wanted to. 

“Well are you ready?”

“For what?”  Jake frowned.

“The party!  You deserve to celebrate our win, we wouldn’t have made it without you.”

“Oh, right.”  Some of their former elation after the win seemed to return and Hamilton was glad.  “Let me change and I’ll meet you there?”

  
  


Jake leaned close to the mirror as they put the finishing touches on their hair.  Looking at their reflection reminded them of just how much they felt like they finally looked the way they wanted, and they were determined now that they would never go back to the way things were before no matter what happened after this.  They straightened their pinstripe vest and tucked their button-up into their black slacks before turning to head out the door. 

  
  


Hamilton’s heart did a little flip-flop when Jake reached the reception hall to join the celebration.  

“Hi,” he breathed when they reached him.

“Hi,” they returned, sounding just as nervous as he felt.  It was strange, after all this time together, that Jake could still make him feel weak-in-the-knees with one look.  Standing face-to-face and not being able to touch Jake made him want to all the more.

“My dad’s right over there.”  Hamilton nodded in the direction of the Dean standing with his mom and many of the faculty members, enjoying the festivities.

“I know,” Jake smirked at him and Hamilton almost broke down and kissed them right there in front of everyone.  “Find me later?”

Hamilton could only nod, not trusting himself to speak.  He spent the evening laughing and recounting their win with various other crew members, and Jake did the same.  Their eyes would often meet across the room, and Jake would nod in his direction with a small smile meant just for him every time.  

Finally he couldn’t stand it any longer.  He walked up behind Jake when they had stepped away to get a bite to eat.

“You ready to go?” He reached over their shoulder to grab a plate and whisper in their ear.

Jake pretended not to hear but nodded at him again, their lips quirked up at the corners.

“Meet me outside.” 

  
  


Jake took their food and meandered out to the front of the building, trying to look nonchalant.  Their every nerve felt alive with anticipation as they paced the front walk waiting for Hamilton.  They knew he felt the energy between them tonight. To their surprise, they weren’t nervous anymore.  They couldn’t even remember why they’d been nervous to begin with. Hamilton was everything they could ever want, and it was now almost physically painful to be near him and not touch him.

Finally Hamilton joined them on the sidewalk, looking dashing in his dinner jacket and khakis.  Jake felt like all the air had been forced out of their lungs when he smiled at them, and they had to remind themself to breathe back in again.  He didn’t say anything, just looked into their eyes and laced his fingers into theirs. Jake pressed their forehead against his and took a deep breath, letting the scent of his cologne intoxicate them.

Suddenly Hamilton released one of their hands and grasped the other more tightly.  He strode forward with determination, towing Jake along behind him.

“Hamilton, what-”

“Come with me.”  He requested, and Jake almost laughed aloud as giddy excitement bubbled up inside of them.  They would go anywhere he wanted.

  
  


Hamilton was almost running in his haste to reach his house.  He fumbled with the key until finally the lock clicked open and he and Jake tumbled inside, laughing.

“I’ve never been inside your house.” Jake murmured when they’d recovered their breath.  Hamilton watched them slowly make their way around the great room, taking in all of the historical decor.  He was having trouble believing it himself- Jake here, in his house. The happiness he felt was like a drug, and when Jake stopped to examine the grand piano he stepped up behind them.  

They responded to his presence immediately, growing still as they waited to see what he would do.  He leaned in, his breath caressing their skin, and gently kissed the back of their neck. Jake’s body tensed, and their breath caught in their throat.  Hamilton’s lips followed the clean line of their hair until he found their earlobe and took it gently between his teeth. 

Jake gasped as they felt the sensation all through their body, and their reaction spurred him on.  Hamilton wound his arms around Jake’s waist until he found the buttons of their vest, undoing them slowly from the bottom and working his way up.  When the vest was off, he undid the top button of Jake’s shirt and their breath hitched. He stopped, kissing the soft skin where their neck met their shoulder.

Slowly, he turned Jake until they were facing him and looked deep into their eyes, questioning.  They were deep green today, and dark with desire. Jake nodded, parting their lips and lifting their chin to kiss him.  It was all the encouragement he needed. Hamilton’s lips moved with Jake’s, faster and faster as he undid the rest of the buttons.  

When Jake’s shirt fell open, Hamilton’s hands found their waist.  He wanted to touch every inch of them, and they shivered as his fingertips grazed up and down their spine, over their hips, across their stomach and upward until they stopped, hesitating at the zipper of their chest binder.

“Are you sure?”  Hamilton asked, voice husky. 

“Take me to your room,”  Jake answered breathlessly.  Their hands slip up his chest and over his shoulders.  They kissed him hard, hands grasping his hair to pull him closer, and Hamilton’s legs almost buckled.  He pulled away, grinning, and led them upstairs to his room.

  
  


Jake didn’t take notice of anything about the house, or Hamilton’s room, or his bed.  All they saw were his deep blue eyes delving into their very soul. All they felt were his hands exploring their body, his lips circling their skin, tender carressess leaving invisible but very permanent impressions in their flesh.  There was nothing else in the world, only Hamilton and Jake, and where they ended and he began they no longer knew. 

  
  


The next morning, Hamilton awoke feeling happier than he had ever thought possible.  Then he rolled over and saw that Jake was gone. He knew they had left sometime in the night, not wanting to get caught when his parents came home.  He wished they could have woken up side by side, so he would know that it hadn’t all been a dream. He dressed quickly and hurried out towards the dormitory building.  But before he got there he saw Jake sitting on the bench out front, twirling their phone around in their hands. Something wasn’t right, and fear gripped him suddenly when he noticed their motorcycle parked right there in the parking lot beside them.

Jake stood and looked up at him when he approached, their eyes anguished.

“What’s wrong, what is it?”  He went to them and cradled their face in his hands.

“My mom made it back to New York,”  they answered.

“That’s good right?”  Hamilton was confused.

“She wants me to come home.”

“Oh,”  Hamilton’s face fell.  “For how long?”

“For good.”  They said in a hard voice.  “She’s not going to let me come back to Rawley Boys’.”  They buried their face in his shoulder and held him tight.  He wrapped his arms around them as shock washed over him. How could this be happening?  How could their time together be ending, just like that?

“We have to do something!”  Hamilton paced the sidewalk in agitation.  “Enroll you under a new name, or enroll both of us at the girl’s school, whatever it takes.”

“No, Hamilton.”  Jake said softly.  “No more lying. You were right, you’ve been right all along.  It’s time for me to be who I am and stop hiding. I told her I wouldn’t go back to prep school, so she’s agreed to let me take online classes from home.  She’s finally starting to get it.”

Hamilton sighed heavily.  He knew what they were saying made sense, but he felt like his heart was trying to claw its way out of his chest.  

“When do you have to leave?”  He asked with ragged breath.

Jake looked down at their feet, then picked up their duffel bag from under the bench.  “My mom will send out an APB if I don’t get home soon.” They joked flatly.

“That’s not funny.”  Hamilton was struggling to breathe. 

“What?”

“That you’re leaving, that it’s over.”

Jake pressed their forehead against his.  “Who says it’s over?” They whispered.

Hamilton crushed them against him, breathing them in as he fought to keep standing.  “Don’t stop hugging me first,” He murmured into their hair, willing this moment to last forever.  “God, I’m going to miss you.”

“Well, come to New York, take the train.”  Jake suggested, kissing him one last time.

“I will, I promise.”  Hamilton agreed, kissing them again, and again.  Finally Jake stepped backward, shaking their head with a sob as they turned quickly away.  They buckled their helmet, slid their sunglasses on and straddled their motorcycle. Then they looked back at him once more, revving the engine with a wry smile before heading off onto the road.

  
  


Jake’s face was wet with tears as they sped up the ramp to merge onto the freeway toward home.  They couldn’t believe how much had happened in one summer. As happy as they were to be going to see their mom and actually spend time with her, they knew they had left their heart back in New Rawley with Hamilton.  They didn’t know what was going to happen now, they only knew that they had the courage to face anything thanks to him. Maybe Will had been right after all, maybe it was destiny. But whatever it was, Jake raced toward New York and the next chapter in their life knowing they would never be the same again.  They felt a wide grin spread over their face, and they gunned the engine faster, racing forward into the unknown future. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! These characters have meant so much to me, and I hope you have enjoyed them as much as I have.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and suggestions are most welcome :-)


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